The First Booty Call: Telegram from the 'Power.'

Let me make this reeeeeal easy for you (potential future lay)... my booty calls have to be like a warm chocolate souffle, if it's not warm - I'm not eating it. Scenario: I don't really know dude. I mean, we hung out SOMETIMES, but I don't know him like that. I do know that he wants my bawdy though. Baaad. (Lesson 1: Whoever cares less in a relationship is in more control, and if you think a booty call is not a relationship, you're sadly mistaken. Anyone you talk to in ANY manner other than professional is in a relationship with you.) Okay, so dude wants my bawdy. I couldn't care less. That fact automatically gives me the upper hand, the 'power', I'll never want to call him, see him, fuck him unless the thought of these actions one day unusually amuse me to the point of actually doing them (usually under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, after the first time, if it's mediocre - read on. If it blows my mind-- then I'll automatically drop from 'powerful' one to 'thirsty' one). Anyone that has the lower hand in these situations (i.e 'dude') needs to put in a little more work. The only time my pussy is on the drive-thru menu (meaning: you can literally call me at midnight, say you're coming over, and leave post-shag) is when I'm the one with the lower hand, when I'm the 'thirsty' one. I want you more than you want me. If on the other hand, you are in the unfortunate position of being the thirsty one, like 'dude' right here, be prepared to butter me up. If you call me drive-thru style - you will get shut down. But if you come early... movies/drinks... that goose gets me loose. I'll be thinking to myself, "Now why was I trippin'? I should have a couple more drinks and stop discriminating"... and give it to you. Don't feel bad, I mean... I gave you my number, right?

Yes I'm a bum, but I'm a Hardvard bum.

After a not less than interesting episode this week, I think it's only right I make another public service announcement. I love men and I hate it when they fuck up, luckily enough I'm an outspoken woman, who loves hearing mens opinions about women too (gotta finesse my 5-star chic-ness by being one step ahead of the game)... after giving out opportunities for my people to send me their (potential) significant other's pet peeves... a few stand out.

1. Please act like you had some home training. I don't understand rude people myself, but it seems rude people think they're owed an explanation as to why they're resorted to being rude. Remember your manners, other than the obvious, "thank-you, please, and la la la's" PLEASE don't talk on the phone with company - in fact... easy on the texting too. Why tweet and facebook about living life instead of actually living it? or talk for like, 100 minutes on the phone instead of fondle and have actual fun with the person who actually made an effort to see you? It makes me smh. Your phone number will be deleted if you act like an ass in public.

2. Ladies, The men want stilettos in the kitchen. What does that mean? I know its not 1957, but if we can have the balls to require a man to be sexy, muscley, fix-it, big dick, rich, obedient, faithful la la la.... then we can at least TRY to learn how to cook, and be clean. It's not that men want us barefoot and pregnant, but it's a pleasure and aphrodisiac to cook good food to the people you love who love you back. For me, I think it's symbolic when someone (MAN OR WOMAN) is living in dirty spaces and can't take care of themselves. It's like a huge mirror into the place a person is in their life. Feed yourself and Clean yourself. Your phone number will be deleted if you are unclean AND lazy.

3. Get your game tight... A beautiful, magnificent, gorgeous human being will lose one thousand points if you can't kiss, or worse yet... fuck. If you have spent over two decades on this planet then it is your responsibility to know how to hit the pleasure points of the human body. So here's some tips to help those who have no idea how to kiss:
When it comes to kissing... absolutely DO NOT --> shove your tongue into someone elses mouth... but please DO--> keep your lips moisturized. DO NOT --> be too eager, for God sakes... take your time. Don't be rash!! But please DO --> Keep your breath fresh. Mint Explosion on Ice. DO NOT!!!---> swish and swash your tongue like it's a washing machine, literally erect your tongue and make it 'poke' your other's mouth cavity invasively, OR give someone a facial. With your tongue... OMFG DO NOT DO IT!!! But please DO --> use alot of eye contact, and open your lips artfully. don't go full force so you get intimate quickly!! instead, softly part your lips and allow your others lips to enfold yours, and let the small bits of tongue play, THEN you can turn up the heat.

As for the sex --> holla at my inbox. If you can't kiss or fuck, your number will be deleted.

4. Boys. Thoughtful gifts are nice, but don't be cheap. Times is hard. We know, and sometimes we know you're with someone you don't care about, but if you're gonna bother to get a gift. Don't get the cheapest one you find, or your number will be deleted. Testimony, I once considered messing with someone who I was not even remotely interested in on the basis of what he got me for valentines day. He got me cheap candy, I got him blue balls.

5. Girls. Possessiveness is a very ugly, ugly beast. There's a difference between showing someone you don't want to share them (which is good), and making them document their each and every move, or have an approval from you for them to go anywhere without you... (baaaaad. bad bad bad...) That will definitely get your number deleted.

6. Know what you want. Don't even try to bite what you can't chew. If you have more than one potential, don't you ever give any kind of indication that you're juggling balls or tits to the other. We all know we're hot shit. You having two or more is no new shit mkay baby, so shut the fuck up about your options. We all have them. That's why your number will be deleted after this conversation.

7. Thirst, attachments... Let it be what it is, if it's not a boy/girlfriend officially dating scenario - please don't act like it is. In fact, it's been scientifically proven that every time a girl gives her number to a guy she met in the club, he blows the buttons off of her phone and he ends up being legendary for his neediness, and I quote, "Biggest turn off is when dudes get attached way too fast .... it creeps me out"....

8.If you're loaded, do not feel the need to show off your money. I understand that for some basic dudes and bishes that's they're best foot forward right there, Money. After the money --> there's nothing. Can you at least pretend to have a personality? acting is not as hard as it looks.

I love brain so I'm looking for that Einstein.

I bumped into a very interesting blog about head. Care to share? Click link. http://www.nakedwithsockson.com/2009/02/05/bad-head-uhm-it%E2%80%99s-not-working-boo/

How To Fake An Orgasm - The Animated Guide

---> Arch your back at a 45-degree angle and pant like a dog.

---> Recite a couple of bad lines from a B-rated blue movie (Remember those?) Example: Tell Big Poppa he does it for you like no one else can.

---> And the basics: "Yes, yes, yes... harder, harder... don't stop!!!" Then you'll want to immediately slap the nearest pillow.

---> Mix it up. This means sometimes you'll want to slap the pillow then scream, other times you want to scream first, then slap the pillow. Men love variety.

---> Don't forget to suck your finger.

---> Now for show and tell: Ask him whose "it" is, and tell him that it's his! (Yes it is)

---> If he switches positions, stops for a rest, or reaches for a drink of water, pay no attention and keep screaming anyway.

---> Now for the alleged orgasm: Scream like a banshee, and begin those Kegel exercises. Squeeze... release... squeeze... release.

---> And after sex, don't forget pillow talk. You've had two men before him. (Okay, three, tops. But that's your final offer.)

WARNING: IF YOUR MAN SEES THIS, IT COULD HAVE AN ADVERSE EFFECT (erectile dysfunction)

Can You Survive the Slump?

I believe all relationships have a life cycle.
First, the initial reaction to each other, everyone is still showing their better angles. Can't wait to see each other, can't wait to touch each other, can't wait to fuck each other. Then you kiss, touch, fuck. Can't wait to do it again. Wait! You actually really like him, he really likes you! Wait! You remember minute details! He likes... Maroon 5? They're alright. If he likes them... they must be better than I thought. Let's give 'em another try. Next thing you know, you want him to know you. I mean, it's one thing to let someone in, it's another to let them get familiar. The highest of life, everytime they turn around... you kiss. You laugh at another inside joke. Its amazing, it's purrfect. It's walking on air.
Then comes the slump. The slump is the period in all relationships when guards and pretenses go down, it's when you get introduced to the 'real thing'. This is the defining point of most relationships... if you can make it through 'the slump'... you can make it. Point blank period. Thats when mood swings and stupid fights start to bear their heads. When people get tired of trying so hard to be what you want them to be... The Slump Begins. Many soldiers have fallen here.

Of course, after the slump - you pretty much KNOW who you're dealing with, and the relationship is whatever you make it... delicious - or, bland? (AHHHH the glory of acceptance)

He's Just Not That Into Me

This is how I fuck myself up. Why is it that I orchestrate everything to happen a certain way and then when it's finally happening... I fuck it up. How? OK... my crush is approaching. Heart is fluttering. Fluids are escaping from my body. I put on a game face so I don't seem too eager, then he asks me whats wrong. I don't want my dramatic game face to scare him off, I don't want him to think he annoys me... so I try to put on my happy face, which is waaaay too eager. I now seem schitzofrenic. Of which he has officially accused me of. Unbeknownst to him - I'm only like that around him, because I'm so damn busy trying to be the right temperature, trying to be cool. So busy being psychotic. *sigh*. Around everyone else, I'm a dream. A normal girl, who's funny and sweet. But I can't be myself around him because I'm not relaxed. I'm under too much pressure to just grab him by the shirt and kiss him savagely. Men I'm attracted to completely distract me, my thoughts are everywhere - I can barely construct a funny and intelligent sentence that can blow his socks off. I make dry jokes and stutter. THEN... I always check essentials when he has just walked away from me... breath, tits, lips gloss, hair, teeth, nose, body smell. When I'm waiting for him to come to my desk - I do nothing. When he has walked away, I fix myself. What kind of madness is this? If I never get him it's because I'm a complete psychotic Doofus. It's no suprize He's Just Not That Into Me. Well - it was nice to dream.

Timing is Everything

People are such sensitive little creatures. If I bumped into a Lion in the grasslands... I would 100% expect it to eat me 100% of times I see it. A person --- not so much. People are SO circumstantial that the dweeb you met this year could be Perfection next year. You just came at a bad time. Everything people stand for is tested everyday, so don't judge others on who they are today, but at the same time... don't be stupid. Stand for who you are and stay true to that. Believe me. Whatever you're looking for is looking for you.

Wolf in Sheeps Skin

A wolf in sheeps skin opened a brand new door on Saturday (you'll later see what this means in detail below - the funny thing is, he doesn't know I know he's a wolf. His teeth are bared under that fake ass wool) An Epiphany.. if you must. That the best way to really KNOW somebody - hear this - is to date them. To date them as the not-getting-married dating, the casual dating. You'll go through the motions, the honeymoon phase and whatever else, then embrace not being THE ONE by truly discovering who a person is. That's when someone will treat you exactly the way they WANT to treat you, and you'll see true colors.
Most girls want... (or should I say 'Go For') Assholes. Why? There's something about assholes. It's the way they carry themselves, the way they speak to you, the way they talk like they can fuck your brains out and splatter them all over the wall, the way they play the kiss-catch, hot-cold, game. They're unpredictable. Exciting. Rewarding. A Real Catch... also, assholes are talented at pretending to be an okay guy 'underneath it all'. Usually, assholes are graced with the, "he's nice once you get to know him" card. But these are the obvious assholes... the Wolves. I'm talking about the guys you were genuinely convinced were nice people, and turned out to be extra basic assholes. I dare to compare them to the characters I hear men go on about all the time, the women who pretend to be exactly what you want... and then later reveal they're ugly medusa heads. they need a name. mmm. thinking, thinking... bitches. There's the obvious ones... they're openly materialistic, shallow and so uncool. Then there's the ones who figure out how to fake being an okay-chic... only to later reveal herself.
The one who dates these wolves in sheeps skin are the ones who can probably argue that they know these people better than they know themselves. People might say your friends KNOW you know you, but friends only see aspects of you at given times. Think about it, refer back to the last not-serious relationship you had...

The Chase

I know I was supposed to finish 'Let's Play A Love Game' but I'm too PG13 (that's my code word for being R rated) to put what I specifically want in my ideal significant other online. So I decided to delete it.

THE CHASE.
I'm so INTO the chase, I like figuring out what goes where. When it comes to Hunting, silence speaks volumes. The less you talk the more they want, because mystery is a turn on. But only in the beginning. You can't keep pulling the mysterious string, (because eventually mystery looks like you're not interested, and your game will run out and you might find yourself missing a predator). I'm intrigued by an older man where I work. Why? Because He used to sit opposite me, and I remember him smiling at me unassumingly but never really saying anything. And he has hella fashion-sense. Fast forward two weeks and I'm going to work early (unheard of) to catch a glimpse of him because he now works on another floor. He says only a few words, but he maintains eye contact, remains a gentleman, and gives you 100% of his attention while he's with you. If that's the sample, Throw it in the bag. Coz I like it.
Now, let's say he acted like the blue eyed gay looking guy that has taken an interest in harassing me, he would be 1. running after me after work, 2. looking for me at lunch and all mini-breaks 3. Sound like he's selling something when he talks 4. Have no sense of fashion or MORE IMPORTANTLY... style. 5. DOES NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. These little bullet points are all the ways you can get reported for bitchassness on the clock. Had he acted like the older man, things might have been different (Although I doubt it, if it wasn't his dysfunctional personality, it might have been his face) but I wouldn't be writing this blog about the difference between seduction and repulsion. The Chase, and The Late. If you want someone to want you, seduce them. Find out what your best features are and sell it, and you do this by MONITORING them, not blowing up their phone, talking to them all the damn time, following them around... and shit. Not hot. If only the blue eyed monster could chill the fuck out. Excuse my french.

There's so much to learn from Quietly Confident people. They don't really put themselves forward, but they make their presence known, in their stillness. Somehow everyone knows they're there, from their Swagger Vibes. All the men I've ever been SERIOUSLY into are Quietly Confident. Don't let that work suit fool you, they handle their business.

I Used To Be Love Drunk (Love Hater)

Maybe I'm just going through post-breakup cynicism. In my eyes, all relationships are doomed. If it seems perfect, I conjure up all it's imperfections in my mind, and see very clearly why they shouldn't be together anyway. You know the power of manifestation right? If you believe it, it comes true. Sure enough, I see the chinks in most relationships, which only confirms why I might never be happy (because I see things too clearly, and do not have enough faith in humans) Basically, if a relationship feels good to me, that particular butterfly feelings' short lived life span comes to smack me across the face and say, "Don't be smiling too hard now!" Then in a whirlwind of events I end up exactly where I am now. But, the dark cloud has a silver lining! If you spot it, you ain't got it. (Meaning, when you see the problem, you aren't a part of it anymore) That tells me no matter what I say, I have a vain hope for my love life. I've always said that if I don't get married, I'll have a series of life partners, and that's nothing to be proud of. (If you are my mother)

I saw a photograph of President Barrack Obama taking his wife out to dinner for their anniversary, and I wondered where their relationship falls short. I was love drunk, but now I'm hung over. Pass me an asprin. Now.

The BIG Disconnect

So. A current conversation has given me new material to ponder about. The 'Honeymoon Phase'. We were talking about marriage and I was explaining that I fear 'my guy' isn't out there. Who is my guy? It's complicated. My Guy is the better version of my love interest... and more. I really like the beginning of a relationship, because that's the guy I want. Over time, as we all know, we find out the honeymoon phase was as it named itself to be... A PHASE. The real thing pops it's ugly head out for all to see. I try to be the same throughout the relationship so I attract someone who remains constant too. Someone dedicated to excellence.
Then my guy friend pops the fantasy. Why does a guy even bother with a honeymoon phase? Sex. I don't get it. I don't see the point of faking your personality for sex, but I can't judge. I've never had a penis and I have no clue what men go through relationship wise. Of course, that's why prostitution is a big business, because relationships are taxy. Men need to jump a million hoops to get a pussy pass. A car, a crib, a job, extra cash for entertainment... bla bla bla. Most men need to be on their best behaviour until they get laid. Most men know they need to be super boyfriend in the beginning to keep you. That goes for both sides too, a lot of women pretend to be someone better than they truly are in the beginning too. Lemme throw this out there; What if, nobody pretended? What if we were to be the best version of ourselves twenty four seven. What would happen then? Two people + 100% of themselves = A Quality Relationship? I should hope so!

Rezpo

I'm suddenly aware of how fierce about my money I've become. Over the years I tried to squeeze in the easy slot of womanhood, to not be so damn thursty. But I am, and I can't pretend that bullshit doesn't bother me. I'm about my business, but I'm surrounded by people who are not about they business... (I distort english on purpose). I end up looking like I'm forever PMSing. That being said, I know I won't die unsuccessful. Once upon a time, I put on my facebook status an African proverb; The lion does not turn around when the small dog barks. What does this mean? A Lion protects all members of it's pride and dares anything to test it's gangsta. The Lioness hunts with fierce passion, proves she's a killer, but can still treat her cubs with the ultimate gentleness. Lions roam freely, set up boundaries and claim any territory they want. Not because they cut up and punk everything around them, but because they are so fierce, so together, so about they business that nothing fucks with them. Their respect is inherent and non-negotiable.

The small dog. That issue makes a whole lotta noise. Dressed in pink sweaters and shit, chilling in an oversized purse. No control, No territory, and only gets attention when someone decides to pet it. It's time-out to want to be decorated and carried around! It's time out for proving points and wondering why you're not getting anywhere! My life is about prosperity. Monetary multiplication. I want everyone in my pride pulling their own weight, I set boundaries in my life because I'm allergic to bullshit and I can't have it oozing into my space and shit, but they don't determine how far I can go. I can break out of my comfort zone to handle business.

This is all I have to say to you all. Be so fierce with your goals and decisions that respect is non-negotiable. You might have to go out searching for what you need alone, do what you gotta do. Alot of times you'll have people depending on you when your head alone is barely above the water, but get more territory anyway and make room for you and yours. Attack negativity with a killer mentality, but treat others with a Lioness gentleness, balance it out. When you realize who you are and your potential, foolishness becomes a thing of the past. Negativity, selfishness, and using others is beneath you. Get on your business.

On Marriage

I feel dilemmad. (I'm aware this is not english)... I feel like I expect too much from my relationships. Unfortunately, I think I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm not afraid of Wanting what I Want, and creating the environment to get it. So what is it I want? A counter intuitive love. I want a significant other that understands me. Understands what it is I want from them, and from life. I just want to be happy, and loved... like everyone else does. I don't want to ask twice for anything, I don't want to do EVERYTHING. (as it seems us women are doomed to do sometimes) I just want to be treated as an equal. I'm a believer in the 'Treat others as you treat yourself" belief system. But at the same time, All this qualifies me as one of the unlucky ones. Why? Because I refuse to settle for less. I REFUSE! I deny deny deny!! I know exactly what I want, and because of that sole reason, I've shot myself in the foot. It might take literally forever to get what I want, and it might be at the sacrifice of having a traditional life. I might find what I want after menopause.
Three days ago a new friend of mine indirectly told me that I let go of relationships too easy, AFTER telling me a whole story of how she remained put in a three year, abusive in any way you can imagine relationship, TWICE in a row. So I walked away thinking, "Excuse me for putting myself first." If she had my policies, she might have saved herself 6 years in two bullshit dead end unhealthy relationships. Not trying to sound self righteous but, can I get an AMEN?!

The Honesty Policy

I personally don't understand why people aren't more honest with each other. Not only is it more fun, it's more lubricated. For instance, if you don't mind getting cheated on, if you have no qualms with open relationships, you should probably say it before you cheat. So at least your true nature is on the table and there will by no psychotic lies being spun. Those are so last Tuesday. Why pretend you prefer having as much sex as possible, when in all actuality you prefer having sex about 3 times a week. Or once a week? why risk the chance of attracting a freak with false advertising, and then fall sexually short? I just don't get it anymore. I don't see the point of cheating anymore, (unless you're married of course. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. If I get to it.) because I feel we're all adults, we're all choosing to be where we are. So act like it. Moral of story, If you don't want it, leave it alone. Someone else will know what to do with it. Why force a significant other to erase their networking accounts, some people don't allow others to go on a night out without them. Others, can't stand their 'others' to have opposite sex friends... I don't care if we have emotions. If all the psycho's I've ever known just kept it real with me, if every guy I've ever dated told me who they REALLY were at the beginning, I would have been intoxicated with the realness! Same things might have happened, but it would have been handled differently. With a nice touch of humanity.
Hie, My name is Thobe, and I don't like being bamboozled.

She has the moronic beauty of youth, but she's sly

What women fail to realize, before it's too late, is that all the things that matter are happening while we're young. It's like the cat that caught the cream, and can't stop licking itself... you think it's gonna taste like this forever, but it's not. Only when we have crossed over do we fully realize the potential of our once-young Pussy Appeal. Why is that? Because we're watching the effects of the now-young Pussy Appeal, and it's a revelation. You can't use it when you have it because you don't know what you have until you don't have it and you're sitting there watching the vultures flying around it... waiting for it's death. Only the strong survive. Play your cards right and get everything you want before it gets old ... only a young sly would know that. Keep your eyes open girls, and your legs closed.

If you recognize these symptoms, act accordingly.

Sometimes, you mistake a basic person for a lady/gentleman, but basic people aren't particularly good actors, so time reveals them for what they truly are. If you're having trouble with someone, try reading this and see how you feel about it...

1. A lady/gentleman will make an effort to find common ground with your friends, if they really don't get along with your friends, they'll fake it.
A basic man/woman will whine and concoct ways to seclude you and eventually make you abandon your friends. Divide and conquer is oldest trick in the book.

2. A lady/gentleman will respect your space, opinion and your emotions. They will care if you're upset, and will accommodate you by making you feel better.
A basic man/woman will never accommodate your emotions. They will undermine your opinion and worth by somehow turning the situation around to demonstrate that YOU are the problem.

3. A lady/gentleman will respect the way you distribute your time. If you are out with friends, and they know it, the most they might do is text you... otherwise, you will enjoy your evening with your people .
A basic man/woman will blow your phone the fuck up, might even just 'show up' because they were in the neighborhood.

4. A lady/gentleman know the rules of the game and apply them. If you lie, they act accordingly because they know anyone that they respect who fails to respect them back isn't worth a peanut's shell.
A basic man/woman makes the rules up as they go. Whenever the situation looks down on them, you'll hear a string of new rules and hoops that you have to jump through. A typical symptom is you might feel like you're a crazy, or a peanut's shell.

5. A lady/gentleman has manners. They greet, smile, feed, eat, drink, participate. Nobody knows a lady, or a gentleman's past just by looking at them.
A basic man/woman wears their insecurities like an ugly jersey, why? they have no manners, etiquette, no sense of timing, of appropriateness, and no reliability. It might seem like nothing as you read it, but try dating someone without social skills and you'll see how far it gets you.

6. A lady/gentleman has fashion sense and hygiene. This might seem like a petty thing to write, but believe me. These small matters are above a basic person's intellect. Enough said.

To be continued.

Open Sesame!

What is this phenomenon of open relationships? I'm gonna try very hard to play fair. Very Hard. Open relationship is when two people are dating but are allowed to see other people, OR it's when you're friends with your sex buddy. Your friendly booty call. Of course, some are friendlier than others... and that's where the problems lie. When you're kinda dating your booty call. So what happens in these situations? Well first of all, the lines are blurred. Some guys wanna be 'out' with more booty calls than one, and start saying, grabbing, sucking and doing whatever the hell inspires them at that moment. Then call You, the kind of booty call, and bring all that to rest. In your bed. You start wondering why you're now going on dates, meeting friends, possibly family... and the booty call lines get fizzed. Sometimes, a booty call will book you for 8pm, and show up at midnight.. what has happened in the meantime? you sat tapping your foot. While they did what was on the menu, and kept you locked. Of course this runs both sides... but overall I just don't get it. I feel like open relationships are a mirage... to be continued as I learn more.

The X Chronicles

Human beings are in endless competition. Especially when they used to love each other. Man Man Man, if there was a pill... I'd buy the shares. In really treacherous relationships, it comes to an explosive end, and everyone is salty salty salty. They say you are allowed to spend half of the time you spent dating someone getting over them? Really? It's too political. Who's the loser in the relationship? Who's the one that got bamboozled? Who calls the other first? Who got laid first? Do they use the same lines? Who moved on to someone else first? Do they fuck like you used to? Do they treat them better? Do you keep the mutual friends? Do you entertain the mutual friends? What happens when you meet again? It's too much. To avoid this questionnaire I usually block all contact with an ex. To the point that I sometimes completely forget who I dated, and embarrass myself with my puzzled expression when I'm trying to remember their name. I'm a particularly emotional, supra sensitive (that means sensitive to the nth degree) so many people think I'm being an asshole, or I must get around a lot to forget someone I dated, but it's the only way I know for a fact that has worked for me. Lately I've been experimenting with new ways of communication and really observing other peoples methods of handling these kinds of situations, and all I can say to it is:COMPLICATED. To each his own I guess. I don't know why I ever tested myself. I'm just not a particularly nice person.

One of the main differences between a basic bish + the real thing.

Is the will to serve. I've come to an understanding about myself. I love giving to those who give back. I disassociate myself from one way situations, because I've gotten myself involved in many of them. Sometimes I would wonder if I was talking to myself when I said "I loooove Valentines day. Don't let it pass if you expect to get results out of me" (or the yearly Birthday shpeel) + more often than not, I've dated guys who couldn't care less. What I don't get is this... people are a unit, we desire to exchange energy. Why would you expect someone to give + give you all the time without you giving back? Is that really all you have to offer? Some people blow my mind.
So, I'm watching a semi-famous person do a youtube cooking segment and she ends it by saying, "the next time your man says, 'Baby, can you make me a sammich?' you can do this" so I'm like, oskizzo. Nice. Then I scroll down and see a comment talking about "Thank God my man loves ME, not his maid" and I thought to myself <---- that right there is the difference between a basic bitch + the extraordinary woman. Limited edition. I've had some people talk shit about the way I treat my man, "Oh, you do too much. Doing all that will make him get used to it and he'll never do shit for you girl"... Some of them were right, but what can I say? Thobekile is a woman who caters to her man, + I won't change that about me just because I ran into yet another asshole. I'm a giver by nature boo... I love treating someone I love as the ultimate number one. If my man asks me to make dinner and there's nothing stopping me from cooking it up, I will. If my man asks me for a massage, I'm getting on it. I like giving. I think there are a MILLION benefits to saturating your relationship in lover-shit. Smothering each other in everything that makes a relationship syrupy sweet. I can't tell you how elated I am to be involved with a man who understands the importance of exchange, and thus does for me too. Scratches my back because I scratch his. I hate it when people think doing special things for your significant other is demoting yourself to the level of a maid. Why? Is it because I believe being with someone is not only about sex, and marriage and children or whatever the fuck else, it's also about how you treat each other as lovers? Because I believe the things I do on a daily basis really shows my man how I feel? If someone I love politely asks for a sammich, why shouldn't I make it? Especially when I know that the next time I need anything, anything at all, I know he's right there for me. There's nothing wrong with giving people what they deserve, and therefore getting you what you deserve. A Loving Relationship. Showing each other the real luxury in doing for others what they do for you. Scratch my back baby...

Return the Flavor

Disclaimer --> I once heard a someone say that in every relationship, there is the rose and the gardener. It's important you never realize who's who, because everyone wants to be the rose. Moral of story, a selfish lover takes and barely gives (Shame on them)
As for some of our favorite foreplay... fellatio + cunningulus. Now that's some politics. Unless you're fortunate enough to be involved with a sensualist... you might have more trouble getting some more than giving some. The best sex equation, is seduction + foreplay = orgasms. Most women need seduction and need foreplay to really get a full body orgasm, but that cards a cop out. Basically if you're the you're the one doing all the gardening in the sheets, you're probably watering that rose so hard you pass out from dehydration! Gardeners find themselves more often than they should, not getting an experience they'd appreciate more. The nerve of some roses--> "nobody asked you to do it" bwa bwa bwa... if you like it, then everyone likes it. Don't be greedy. Roses on the other hand might never realise they get it all, all the time. So... thanks so me. All the roses can look inside themselves and stop this mess!! GIVE IT BAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKK dammet!!

How to know if I want you

Since I was a young one, I've been accused of being a tease. Leading them oooonnn and on and on. (It's an art) and every time I was cornered to 'stop playing games'... 'I should know what it is'... I've come back with the legendary answer; If I want you, you'll know it. There would be NO questions what-so-ever. This is as honest as I can get. When I want a guy, there's no complications, no qualms, no mixed messages, no flirt-decoding necessary. It's just me + you today today today. Now, one day boys will understand that just because a girl smiles at you, flirts, and maybe texts you back... doesn't mean she wants your dick. I've entertained many people I'm not even REMOTELY attracted to this way. Out of boredom? possibly. It's also very possible I'm using you, and I already know what to do to make you think you might have a chance - for the sole purpose of getting what I want. Yes. I do this. And I'm not the only one. There was a time last year when I was confronted, and I replied my usual, and they said "whattabout this?" "whattabout that?", I sat there wondering what the hell made this boy think I want him? he laid out some interesting points...
1. I was enthusiastic to see him.
2. I was going out of my way to hang out.
3. I've been doing this kind of thing to him since high school... its time I stopped playing games.
This is how I reacted to these accusations. So what I was enthusiastic to see you? I'm enthusiastic to see all my members (especially the VIP's) of my friend zone! So what if I want to hang out? Going 'out of my way' to hang out would be going to Las Vegas to 'hang out' with you. Going up a few streets is usually what we all have to do to hang out. Meet at a common place. Duuuhhh. Number 3 is the bread winner here... "I've been doing this since high school" He's right. I have. And if I supposedly wanted him then why was I almost always dating someone else? He would drive me to the party where I would go and meet the guy I'm really interested in. It's not my fault if you don't know when you're in the friend zone... but it is your job to make sure you're never in the friend zone. So, how do you make sure you're never in the friend zone? Make YOUR intentions clear from the jump. And don't assume anything. Never assume anything. If you want me, and you've told me, and we're still just going around in circles then move on. Step. Believe you me if I didn't want you in 2002, I probably don't want you now (Unless you were the ugly duckling that has grown into a beautiful swan, and I'm quite happily surprised - which is almost never the case). Also, don't aggressively pursue me unless you're 100% positive I want it too. Don't push all on me and annoy the life out of me about getting together or campaign to come to my house unless you heard sure fire words similar to these spoken by MY lips directly to your ear; "I want you"... "I want you to myself"... "I want you to myself right now"... lol... the list goes on.

A Lie Box is a Necessary Ingredient

Why why why I beg, do people not know how to keep their stories straight? Only aspiring master Puppeteers (if you have no idea what this means, look up previous blog) are the ones that need lie boxes... if you're out there. Telling fibs and shit. Keep a lie box. I can't stand it when someone tells you one thing, then tells you another, and you have to be there digging digging solving puzzles faster than Denzel in "A Man On Fire" ... Keep track of your lies. Only 'real' people would keep it real with you 100% 24/7, but we all know real people are dying by the dozens.
That's all I have to say right now, don't look like an idiot. Keep your stories straight. A lie box would be a good tool if you have a lousy memory like mine.

The Puppet, The Puppeteer + The Magician.

Disclaimer -> I decided to rename it from the title I posted on facebook that I don't care to repeat. So we were talking about assholes + ho's, + sometimes I ask myself, what have I learned so far this year? One thing is that it's just as hard to find a good woman as it is to find a good man. I was told that a Nice Guy might behave as an Asshole would, to get what he wants, because Nice Guys don't win. This goes vice versa, Assholes can act like Nice Guys too. So can Ho's... Ho's 'play the part' often... and reveal their Ho-ness when their talons are too deep inside the flesh. You have to be a strong human being to escape a Master Puppeteer! These take every form and shape. It might be compared to the relationship between a pimp + his ho. The ho knows better than to depend on the pimp for anything at all, yet she keeps coming back. He beats her, then says he loves her... he takes ALL her money, she only gives him more. This love (mostly hate and dependence) slash, back + forth dance can go on for years and years... even if you realize you're the puppet. What rarely happens is the visitation of The Magician! it's the work of The Magician when The Puppeteer becomes considerate, and returns to human form, made to love and nurture. The Magician is The Revolutionary Puppet, the one that came to life and burned the whole show down, and it makes The Puppeteer realize that this is not Burger King (you can't have it your way). The side effects of The Magician's work is the resentment that blooms in a Puppet once they see their made over Puppeteer, shining and new in Human Form... treating another human being like a human being. Which wouldn't have been possible minus The Magician, The Revolutionary Puppet. I have no idea if I'm making sense, all I'm really asking is "why can't we be happy?" Because we're so busy playing games! Puppeteers don't want other puppeteers! They want HUMANS! They want the fruits of a Good tree! They want the good stuff!! The Good Stuff make excellent Puppets! So to my fellow human beings, I've decided a sure fire method of cleansing yourself from puppeteers, once you realize you are in fact connected to strings and rods (you're a puppet)... pretend to be a puppeteer. Puppeteers are generally disgusted by one another, they break out in hives and take off running! Try it risk free for 30 days, if you don't like it... bring it back.

The Friend Zone!!

Most people believe that the friend zone is where a woman will put a man if she's not sexually attracted to him. Come to find out, women put themselves in the friend zone too. More than once... I've witnessed myself and other females sneak through the pretend-friend door just so you can really get a hands-on account on how this person REALLY is, and you end up getting along SO well that we find ourselves in the friend zone. I think it's hilarious when women are in deep infatuation with a guy they are friends with, and only really admit it to ourselves when it's waaaay too late to start fessing up that you like him, plus it's always totally inappropriate if he has a girl (which he usually does) and you're pretending to be the advisor of it all. Just as a PSA... ladies, if you like a guy you're friends with and he's already involved with someone, please don't pull the "she doesn't know you like I do" card. It's not secksy when you sell yourself on the inadequacies of someone else... not secksy at all.
The remix of this is the dick-in-a-glass-jar syndrome. (DEFINITION; A woman's 'platonic' friend. Incase of emergency, BREAK GLASS!!) Sometimes women find a very special Dick-in-a-glass-jar friend. This man will do pretty much everything the boyfriend does, except be physically intimate with you, only because YOU don't want him to be intimate with you... until he moves on. The minute a woman realizes her dick-in-a-glass-jar has suddenly dissapeared (maybe because he's lost interest or he's found a squeeze), she reacts like a heartbroken lover. Showing all the signs of jealousy, negativity, and possessiveness. All of a sudden, she wants him around badly. She's desperately flirting. She's damaging a relationship. She's hating on his new squeeze. All of a sudden, she's ready to break the glass. It makes me throw my head back and laugh... I've been in the line of fire of these kinds of things approximately 100 times.

When A Good Guy goes Bad. Real Baaaaad.

Recently, I had a conversation with a good guy friend of mine whom I've always considered to be a 'good guy', or a 'stand up guy'. Every relationship he's in that he's told me about he sells this 'good guy' image to me, and from what I remember from way back when - he can back it up. So what is this about? He's often found himself in a relationship that he's not willing to elevate. The girl he's currently seeing is supposedly caught up with him , and planning for the future. Whilst he can't confess he can't even see beyond three days, he goes along selling her pipe dreams. He doesn't see them together at all. In fact, he's planning to completely remove himself from the situation in the near future except... he doesn't want to break her heart after she's confessed to him that she wants to 'throw it in the bag' . He doesn't want to admit to her that he's just not that into her. He's in it for the ride, and she's in it for life. Now he's found himself doing things he doesn't usually do... like cheat. I feel somewhat sorry for him, sometimes normal un-assholic guys just want a laid back relationship, but what happens when you're not an asshole to a woman? She probably wants to marry you. Next thing you know, its ten years later and you have a ring and kids but no love. Like many stand-up guys I know, he's slowly morphing into an asshole, because for a guy being an asshole has an easier job description since everyone is expecting the worst. The flip side of that is everyone IS expecting the worst. I'm not advocating cheating or assholes, Lord knows my asshole allergies, but I can't stress enough how important it is to state your position repeatedly in relationships to avoid disease, confursion, and heart break hotel check-ins. It sure must be hard to be a good guy and not be a serial monogamist... What ya'll think?

A Pretty Girl's Blog. The preview...

Well. I thought I should have a template to kind of kick off what my next book is going to circulate around. Nothing like relationship marinade... its the blood of us twenty something year old's. Welcome to the beginning

xoxo