Mo, D, Gu, Vu
I find it funny that you can read those names like a word
I barely have a memory to my gotdamn self. If I wanted my own Clover Yoghurt, I had to creep behind a curtain and shit. If I wanted to be alone - I had to announce it to the clique and schedule it and lock the door and be alone for a few minutes. Getting caught and getting drunk and debauchery and frustration and holidays and family scandalismwouldn't have ever been the same without you guys. D, you're the baby here and you missed a major hella fun train but take pride in your self and life. Treat others with as much respect as you demand, and do unto others as... you know how the rest of it goes. Kill them with kindness, but if they cross you - burn them. That's my personal philosophy. You meet people now and you don't know what role they will play in your future, so play it smart. It's better to be underestimated than overestimated. Remember that.
Gabi
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Dear Mom + Dad
Edna + Gray
Ah, what an interesting life you've given me. I couldn't have chosen better parents if I had picked you out of a catalog.
We have things to talk about. Nothing I'll open with here, but as I'm growing up and really appreciating how privileged I am because you - I also recognize that I am flying from the nest. One day we will eat and be merry not more so as parents and spawn but more from friend to friend. I used to hide so much about myself from you, and now in retrospect - even though I can see why I did, I think those aspects of my character took something vital from our relationship that I'm scrambling to replace. No worries.
Your Second Born Child.
Ah, what an interesting life you've given me. I couldn't have chosen better parents if I had picked you out of a catalog.
We have things to talk about. Nothing I'll open with here, but as I'm growing up and really appreciating how privileged I am because you - I also recognize that I am flying from the nest. One day we will eat and be merry not more so as parents and spawn but more from friend to friend. I used to hide so much about myself from you, and now in retrospect - even though I can see why I did, I think those aspects of my character took something vital from our relationship that I'm scrambling to replace. No worries.
Your Second Born Child.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Dear Crush
Kalole.
It's always strange the day after we separate. We fit so easily into each others fibers that it starts to feel like home in a matter of moments, and the days fly by, and then we're back at the airport and I'm trying to keep my cool but it's so pitiful you begin to laugh at my pouty face. I'm afraid of moving, but I like the feeling of being afraid of something potentially profound. I'm afraid of facing the music, of knowing exactly who you are in my life. You know what they say? "The devil you know is better than the angel you don't know"... it took me years to understand it, but every time I catch myself hesitating, I remind myself of every step and every initiative and every little thing you do in our name. It's humbling. Whatever happens, you're a very important person.
Truly.
It's always strange the day after we separate. We fit so easily into each others fibers that it starts to feel like home in a matter of moments, and the days fly by, and then we're back at the airport and I'm trying to keep my cool but it's so pitiful you begin to laugh at my pouty face. I'm afraid of moving, but I like the feeling of being afraid of something potentially profound. I'm afraid of facing the music, of knowing exactly who you are in my life. You know what they say? "The devil you know is better than the angel you don't know"... it took me years to understand it, but every time I catch myself hesitating, I remind myself of every step and every initiative and every little thing you do in our name. It's humbling. Whatever happens, you're a very important person.
Truly.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Dear Best Friend.
Dear Fiona,
Angel. Our lives have been one combination of opposites, but opposite like salt and pepper... Ours is a savory experience. We don't have that typical best friend relationship. We don't always talk, we don't always know what's going on in each others lives, but our spirits remain so familiar with each other, that I'm positive we've been best friends for at least three consecutive lifetimes. It's very telling how we break into giggles upon sight, what have we been laughing at all these years? Only God knows. Our relationship is sacred, as is every relationship with all of my friends, so if I've ever hurt you, I'm sorry. Ours is a well oiled machine and I intend to keep it that way.
Long Live The Queen.
In other, less implicating words,
Je t'adore
Angel. Our lives have been one combination of opposites, but opposite like salt and pepper... Ours is a savory experience. We don't have that typical best friend relationship. We don't always talk, we don't always know what's going on in each others lives, but our spirits remain so familiar with each other, that I'm positive we've been best friends for at least three consecutive lifetimes. It's very telling how we break into giggles upon sight, what have we been laughing at all these years? Only God knows. Our relationship is sacred, as is every relationship with all of my friends, so if I've ever hurt you, I'm sorry. Ours is a well oiled machine and I intend to keep it that way.
Long Live The Queen.
In other, less implicating words,
Je t'adore
Saturday, November 6, 2010
I Vant To Be More Wulnerable. Maybe Not.
Dear Men, what is vulnerability really worth? Is it a turn off or a turn on?
Personally, I love it when a man is "vulnerable" with me. You know, because of all that rap about "it takes men alot to show you their true colors" but of course - there's a thin line between vulnerability and insecurity. You know how I feel about insecurity, so this isn't about insecurity. I'm talking about that person who never tells you how they feel, and you know they put a special effort in not showing you how they really feel. But sometimes, they do show you how they feel in small windows, and then in between pockets of time, a fucked up period between you, or an intimate moment, they tell you what you mean to them... I'm talking about that.
I'm asking because I give the impression that I have my shit together, I like giving this impression - and it's usually true. When I start seeing someone new, they're usually intimidated by me, and definitely treat me like it's a privilege to be in my presence. They ask me if it's okay if they do this, or that... they give me this and that... they introduce me to everyone, and their excitement is equal to a puppies. During this time, I usually have very little interest or investment in these dudes. I'm usually in it for the Peen and I watch this thing go - since it always goes like this. If I like them, I might ask them if we're exclusive. I ask them this because I don't like confusion, I'm usually messing with more than one person, and I don't want anyone getting homotional because I took a Peen offering while I was "supposed" to be with them. If I don't like them, then the shenanigan has a definite expiration date. Usually, 3 months. I refuse to fuck someone I'm only casually seeing for more than 3 months... otherwise they start "knowing" me and I start "knowing" them even if I couldn't care less about them.
But sometimes, I ungracefully loose my cool. Of course, this is when I really like someone. When I really like someone, it's obvious. I give the love I got as a kid, and that my people - is some good shit. Unfortunately, this is when the cards fall. Someone fucks up. I'm not pointing fingers here, but it's usually NOT me. Okay *sometimes* it is, but barely ever. :). And sometimes I'll find myself, quietly sitting. Seriously distressed. Heart beating out of chest. Trying to devise a way of communicating to this insignificant other that I 1)miss them 2)really wish they didn't do that 3)really wish I didn't do that 4)would prefer it if they were physically with me so I could read their face and hear the tones of their voice and make conclusions based on body aesthetics instead of text or whatever form of technology it is we're using 4)would probably fall apart if I knew for sure that they didn't want me.
Of course, I almost neeeever say these things. If anything, I'll very subtly hint at it. Because I hate putting myself out there to face rejection. I don't take rejection well at tall. I brew over it for years. Anyway, In the end, it's ends. And soon, or unsoon, they're replaced.
BUT. I once heard a radio show that questioned people what happens in relationships when someone cheats, or *seriously* fucks up, and I seriously got (falsely) optimistic about laying yourself at someone's feet lol. The swarms of people that called in - said they fucked up - but never stopped trying to earn back what they lost with that person, until the person gave in and now they're living well. They also take punishment well. So maybe, vulnerability is worth something. Or is it not?
Are there too many fish in the sea to really know if you should throw yourself at someone? Are we (Am I?) too quick, too cold, too unconvinced to really look at what someone means to you and grab them by the horns? I'm always afraid of growing old, and reflecting on all my lovers but looking back at one specific person and thinking to myself, I should have stopped at nothing. They were the most phenomenal, dynamic, amazing person I've ever had the opportunity to intimately experience. What the fuck was I thinking, letting that shit go? *hitting self in head*
But at the same time, how many times can you communicate to someone that you're obsessed with them before you feel ashamed of yourself? Who has that kind of resilience? I mean, we all have that person - who will drive you to do anything for them. I just talked to one of them this morning. I seriously never thought I'd get over this guy, and I remember laying in my bed, sleepless from acute distress, devising new methods to seduce him. Wondering what I have to do, How have to do it. I would have done anything. He could have said kill a black crow with a silver dagger at 2 am on a moonless and black night. I would have done it. It was crazy. lol. But, now we're friends. (Yes, I was placed in the friend zone. Not fun.) and I don't even flinch when we talk. I now laugh at how much I suffered for his attention, and how I questioned my projected esteem.
What do you think? Is being vulnerable worth it?
Personally, I love it when a man is "vulnerable" with me. You know, because of all that rap about "it takes men alot to show you their true colors" but of course - there's a thin line between vulnerability and insecurity. You know how I feel about insecurity, so this isn't about insecurity. I'm talking about that person who never tells you how they feel, and you know they put a special effort in not showing you how they really feel. But sometimes, they do show you how they feel in small windows, and then in between pockets of time, a fucked up period between you, or an intimate moment, they tell you what you mean to them... I'm talking about that.
I'm asking because I give the impression that I have my shit together, I like giving this impression - and it's usually true. When I start seeing someone new, they're usually intimidated by me, and definitely treat me like it's a privilege to be in my presence. They ask me if it's okay if they do this, or that... they give me this and that... they introduce me to everyone, and their excitement is equal to a puppies. During this time, I usually have very little interest or investment in these dudes. I'm usually in it for the Peen and I watch this thing go - since it always goes like this. If I like them, I might ask them if we're exclusive. I ask them this because I don't like confusion, I'm usually messing with more than one person, and I don't want anyone getting homotional because I took a Peen offering while I was "supposed" to be with them. If I don't like them, then the shenanigan has a definite expiration date. Usually, 3 months. I refuse to fuck someone I'm only casually seeing for more than 3 months... otherwise they start "knowing" me and I start "knowing" them even if I couldn't care less about them.
But sometimes, I ungracefully loose my cool. Of course, this is when I really like someone. When I really like someone, it's obvious. I give the love I got as a kid, and that my people - is some good shit. Unfortunately, this is when the cards fall. Someone fucks up. I'm not pointing fingers here, but it's usually NOT me. Okay *sometimes* it is, but barely ever. :). And sometimes I'll find myself, quietly sitting. Seriously distressed. Heart beating out of chest. Trying to devise a way of communicating to this insignificant other that I 1)miss them 2)really wish they didn't do that 3)really wish I didn't do that 4)would prefer it if they were physically with me so I could read their face and hear the tones of their voice and make conclusions based on body aesthetics instead of text or whatever form of technology it is we're using 4)would probably fall apart if I knew for sure that they didn't want me.
Of course, I almost neeeever say these things. If anything, I'll very subtly hint at it. Because I hate putting myself out there to face rejection. I don't take rejection well at tall. I brew over it for years. Anyway, In the end, it's ends. And soon, or unsoon, they're replaced.
BUT. I once heard a radio show that questioned people what happens in relationships when someone cheats, or *seriously* fucks up, and I seriously got (falsely) optimistic about laying yourself at someone's feet lol. The swarms of people that called in - said they fucked up - but never stopped trying to earn back what they lost with that person, until the person gave in and now they're living well. They also take punishment well. So maybe, vulnerability is worth something. Or is it not?
Are there too many fish in the sea to really know if you should throw yourself at someone? Are we (Am I?) too quick, too cold, too unconvinced to really look at what someone means to you and grab them by the horns? I'm always afraid of growing old, and reflecting on all my lovers but looking back at one specific person and thinking to myself, I should have stopped at nothing. They were the most phenomenal, dynamic, amazing person I've ever had the opportunity to intimately experience. What the fuck was I thinking, letting that shit go? *hitting self in head*
But at the same time, how many times can you communicate to someone that you're obsessed with them before you feel ashamed of yourself? Who has that kind of resilience? I mean, we all have that person - who will drive you to do anything for them. I just talked to one of them this morning. I seriously never thought I'd get over this guy, and I remember laying in my bed, sleepless from acute distress, devising new methods to seduce him. Wondering what I have to do, How have to do it. I would have done anything. He could have said kill a black crow with a silver dagger at 2 am on a moonless and black night. I would have done it. It was crazy. lol. But, now we're friends. (Yes, I was placed in the friend zone. Not fun.) and I don't even flinch when we talk. I now laugh at how much I suffered for his attention, and how I questioned my projected esteem.
What do you think? Is being vulnerable worth it?
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