I Vant To Be More Wulnerable. Maybe Not.

Dear Men, what is vulnerability really worth? Is it a turn off or a turn on?

Personally, I love it when a man is "vulnerable" with me. You know, because of all that rap about "it takes men alot to show you their true colors" but of course - there's a thin line between vulnerability and insecurity. You know how I feel about insecurity, so this isn't about insecurity. I'm talking about that person who never tells you how they feel, and you know they put a special effort in not showing you how they really feel. But sometimes, they do show you how they feel in small windows, and then in between pockets of time, a fucked up period between you, or an intimate moment, they tell you what you mean to them... I'm talking about that.

I'm asking because I give the impression that I have my shit together, I like giving this impression - and it's usually true. When I start seeing someone new, they're usually intimidated by me, and definitely treat me like it's a privilege to be in my presence. They ask me if it's okay if they do this, or that... they give me this and that... they introduce me to everyone, and their excitement is equal to a puppies. During this time, I usually have very little interest or investment in these dudes. I'm usually in it for the Peen and I watch this thing go - since it always goes like this. If I like them, I might ask them if we're exclusive. I ask them this because I don't like confusion, I'm usually messing with more than one person, and I don't want anyone getting homotional because I took a Peen offering while I was "supposed" to be with them. If I don't like them, then the shenanigan has a definite expiration date. Usually, 3 months. I refuse to fuck someone I'm only casually seeing for more than 3 months... otherwise they start "knowing" me and I start "knowing" them even if I couldn't care less about them.

But sometimes, I ungracefully loose my cool. Of course, this is when I really like someone. When I really like someone, it's obvious. I give the love I got as a kid, and that my people - is some good shit. Unfortunately, this is when the cards fall. Someone fucks up. I'm not pointing fingers here, but it's usually NOT me. Okay *sometimes* it is, but barely ever. :). And sometimes I'll find myself, quietly sitting. Seriously distressed. Heart beating out of chest. Trying to devise a way of communicating to this insignificant other that I 1)miss them 2)really wish they didn't do that 3)really wish I didn't do that 4)would prefer it if they were physically with me so I could read their face and hear the tones of their voice and make conclusions based on body aesthetics instead of text or whatever form of technology it is we're using 4)would probably fall apart if I knew for sure that they didn't want me.

Of course, I almost neeeever say these things. If anything, I'll very subtly hint at it. Because I hate putting myself out there to face rejection. I don't take rejection well at tall. I brew over it for years. Anyway, In the end, it's ends. And soon, or unsoon, they're replaced.

BUT. I once heard a radio show that questioned people what happens in relationships when someone cheats, or *seriously* fucks up, and I seriously got (falsely) optimistic about laying yourself at someone's feet lol. The swarms of people that called in - said they fucked up - but never stopped trying to earn back what they lost with that person, until the person gave in and now they're living well. They also take punishment well. So maybe, vulnerability is worth something. Or is it not?

Are there too many fish in the sea to really know if you should throw yourself at someone? Are we (Am I?) too quick, too cold, too unconvinced to really look at what someone means to you and grab them by the horns? I'm always afraid of growing old, and reflecting on all my lovers but looking back at one specific person and thinking to myself, I should have stopped at nothing. They were the most phenomenal, dynamic, amazing person I've ever had the opportunity to intimately experience. What the fuck was I thinking, letting that shit go? *hitting self in head*

But at the same time, how many times can you communicate to someone that you're obsessed with them before you feel ashamed of yourself? Who has that kind of resilience? I mean, we all have that person - who will drive you to do anything for them. I just talked to one of them this morning. I seriously never thought I'd get over this guy, and I remember laying in my bed, sleepless from acute distress, devising new methods to seduce him. Wondering what I have to do, How have to do it. I would have done anything. He could have said kill a black crow with a silver dagger at 2 am on a moonless and black night. I would have done it. It was crazy. lol. But, now we're friends. (Yes, I was placed in the friend zone. Not fun.) and I don't even flinch when we talk. I now laugh at how much I suffered for his attention, and how I questioned my projected esteem.

What do you think? Is being vulnerable worth it?