After a not less than interesting episode this week, I think it's only right I make another public service announcement. I love men and I hate it when they fuck up, luckily enough I'm an outspoken woman, who loves hearing mens opinions about women too (gotta finesse my 5-star chic-ness by being one step ahead of the game)... after giving out opportunities for my people to send me their (potential) significant other's pet peeves... a few stand out.
1. Please act like you had some home training. I don't understand rude people myself, but it seems rude people think they're owed an explanation as to why they're resorted to being rude. Remember your manners, other than the obvious, "thank-you, please, and la la la's" PLEASE don't talk on the phone with company - in fact... easy on the texting too. Why tweet and facebook about living life instead of actually living it? or talk for like, 100 minutes on the phone instead of fondle and have actual fun with the person who actually made an effort to see you? It makes me smh. Your phone number will be deleted if you act like an ass in public.
2. Ladies, The men want stilettos in the kitchen. What does that mean? I know its not 1957, but if we can have the balls to require a man to be sexy, muscley, fix-it, big dick, rich, obedient, faithful la la la.... then we can at least TRY to learn how to cook, and be clean. It's not that men want us barefoot and pregnant, but it's a pleasure and aphrodisiac to cook good food to the people you love who love you back. For me, I think it's symbolic when someone (MAN OR WOMAN) is living in dirty spaces and can't take care of themselves. It's like a huge mirror into the place a person is in their life. Feed yourself and Clean yourself. Your phone number will be deleted if you are unclean AND lazy.
3. Get your game tight... A beautiful, magnificent, gorgeous human being will lose one thousand points if you can't kiss, or worse yet... fuck. If you have spent over two decades on this planet then it is your responsibility to know how to hit the pleasure points of the human body. So here's some tips to help those who have no idea how to kiss:
When it comes to kissing... absolutely DO NOT --> shove your tongue into someone elses mouth... but please DO--> keep your lips moisturized. DO NOT --> be too eager, for God sakes... take your time. Don't be rash!! But please DO --> Keep your breath fresh. Mint Explosion on Ice. DO NOT!!!---> swish and swash your tongue like it's a washing machine, literally erect your tongue and make it 'poke' your other's mouth cavity invasively, OR give someone a facial. With your tongue... OMFG DO NOT DO IT!!! But please DO --> use alot of eye contact, and open your lips artfully. don't go full force so you get intimate quickly!! instead, softly part your lips and allow your others lips to enfold yours, and let the small bits of tongue play, THEN you can turn up the heat.
As for the sex --> holla at my inbox. If you can't kiss or fuck, your number will be deleted.
4. Boys. Thoughtful gifts are nice, but don't be cheap. Times is hard. We know, and sometimes we know you're with someone you don't care about, but if you're gonna bother to get a gift. Don't get the cheapest one you find, or your number will be deleted. Testimony, I once considered messing with someone who I was not even remotely interested in on the basis of what he got me for valentines day. He got me cheap candy, I got him blue balls.
5. Girls. Possessiveness is a very ugly, ugly beast. There's a difference between showing someone you don't want to share them (which is good), and making them document their each and every move, or have an approval from you for them to go anywhere without you... (baaaaad. bad bad bad...) That will definitely get your number deleted.
6. Know what you want. Don't even try to bite what you can't chew. If you have more than one potential, don't you ever give any kind of indication that you're juggling balls or tits to the other. We all know we're hot shit. You having two or more is no new shit mkay baby, so shut the fuck up about your options. We all have them. That's why your number will be deleted after this conversation.
7. Thirst, attachments... Let it be what it is, if it's not a boy/girlfriend officially dating scenario - please don't act like it is. In fact, it's been scientifically proven that every time a girl gives her number to a guy she met in the club, he blows the buttons off of her phone and he ends up being legendary for his neediness, and I quote, "Biggest turn off is when dudes get attached way too fast .... it creeps me out"....
8.If you're loaded, do not feel the need to show off your money. I understand that for some basic dudes and bishes that's they're best foot forward right there, Money. After the money --> there's nothing. Can you at least pretend to have a personality? acting is not as hard as it looks.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment