Sunday Brunch Special

Random Sunday Thoughts.

>> On "The Number"

I often ask people how many people they've been involved with. It's not what the number is, it's how you answer the question. I'm not sure why other people ask this question, but I ask it so that I can see how you respond to it. Nobody has ever just answered the gotdamn question... there's always a little chase. A grin, a quizzical expression, an explosion... If it's low - they're ashamed. If it's high, they're ashamed. There's no winning. We know that. And it's not like you'll ever stop fucking. So whats the big deal?

What's my number? 29.

See? That wasn't shit. Now was it?

>> On the hoe theory.

Good girls like bad boys. Good guys like Bad girls. I think this is the Universe's attempt to keep reinforce the balance of good and evil world on this planet.

Why do opposites attract? For all the same reasons.

1. Bad Girls keep you on your toes.
You have to fight for their attention. And once you have it, there's no guarantee you'll keep it. She likes mercenaries. Get in, do your job, ask no questions, get the fuck out. And many men think they're the ones using her, until they hit her up post-midnight on a "what u doing?" after the one night and never hear anything back. "Ya'll don't fuck us nigga we fuck you..." *singing*

2. Bad Girls are better in bed.
They've been around. Hide your kids, hide your husband. They have a use for marbles and they're good friends with your perineum. They give you one look and you know what time it is. You know you can't even see her (no place is too holy) without having to fuck her. She doesn't need dinner. She needs a hard dick and bubblegum. Hold the bubblegum.

3. Bad Girls don't need you.
Anyone dedicated to the cause of getting laid will not stop at just looking good enough to eat. They need a whole get up. A bachelorette pad, a car, and money. A bachelorette pad to properly fuck you in privacy and in the comfort of they're own home. A car to exit when that scenario is impossible and the sex was hot shit. Money so they don't need you for anything outside of the penis. Not for repairs, and definitely not for bills and some such. Having these things makes one's sexual options double. Maybe even triple. You know that when a hoe is not picking up your calls, or giving you the attention you so crave - it's because they're with someone else right now. So... hold that thought.

But the best advantage hoes have on good people is the gift of discernment. Hoes can smell bullshit a mile away, because they're on it too. That's why hoes are amazing at finding and marrying great partners. They're disillusioned with the "rookie theories" (check past blogs), they know a set-up when they see one. Seasoned. Where as the good hearted and nice people of this world are always investing and giving gold to pigs. They see the "potential" in people, and the hope is what has them holding one. One shred of hope can feed 10 Rookies.

>> last but not least - is who you are what you do?

I always hear people say this is what I do, it's not who I am. Whats the difference? If murderers and rapists are what they do, what should excuse any of us from relating who we are to what we are passionate about?

The Marshmallows and The Boy

This whole thing is like a game to me. Like a chess game. Like watching a child who wants marshmallows sitting in a bowl on a table at an unfamiliar's house, and you just watch the baby walk around them, looking at them, licking their lips... yes indeed... longing for them. But never out right asking you for them, but you know they want you to just... give it to them. Offer the damn marshmallows, woman! Something!


So they steal one every time you're not looking, and they think you don't notice a thing... but the powdered sugar is all around their lips. And that naughty grin of satisfaction truly does the most. Never mind the twinkle in the eye.

I know what you want little boy.




And I can give it to you, too.

Some of the reasons why being Black is automatically interesting

A black girl changes one aspect about herself and her whole life changes.

HAIRSTYLE: When I was bald, everyone thought I was "deep + afrocentric" shout out to "PINK PANTHERS" <3 (and everyone who tried to sell me incense who ain't trying now that I whip my weave back and forth)...

I cut my hair because bald bitches are BAD. I was walking around looking like Brand New Pussy. Like Fresh Pussy. I was a bad bitch.

Then I stayed natural, and had certain kinds of conversations. One day I watched Good Hair, and I just KNEW an army of people would expect me to stay natural. Fuck that... When the world sleeps, I turn left. I immediately permed the natural hair, and I was immediately disqualified from the INCENSE sell-to troop, and holding my fist up in random places.

BODY: I don't blame Nicki Minaj for buying her booty. I won't even TELL you the madness that brewed when my cutey booty graduated to big booty Judy...

let's just say it's a funny feeling knowing that people only want you for your body. Like farreal. You wonder if they even know that YOU live in there... when they can't even remember your name, yet every weekend after 11pm, you get red light specials.

I used to be skinny and had to fight for my license to be sexy rights, now I ain't gotta do shit but show the fuck up. When I know someone only wants one thing from me, I make them wait in line until I bring them down to their knees and they can spell my entire name. Shit. Fuck I look like? Clever and Sexy. You don't stand a chance, belieeee dat. You'll be murmuring my long ass name to your co-workers before you even get to scratch and sniff it if you come to me with all the wrong intentions written on your forehead. Sexually Eager cats get their own blog later today.

STANDING OUT: Now that the media has properly told us what our cultures are supposed to do and be, and everyone who watches trash TV is on the same page - it's truly never been easier to stand out. I mean... it just CAN'T be easier... it's a bloody giveaway.

"It was hard to stand out once upon a time. Now? Please. Standing out NOW is just the intro-music. Wait 'til I walk in. Shit. *dusts shoulder*" --- 21 Janurary 2011 --- twitter.com/aprettygirlblog

I'd strive to be an overachiever if I wasn't such a underdog.

How do you know that someone treats YOU differently from everyone else, when you can only be you when you're around them? The One never knows they're The One, and you can't show them they're The One because you'll scare them off and they'll think you're crazy. Crazy just happens to be my forte this year, I've taken a page in the books of ALL the craziest of my lovers, and even movie characters. I'm just gonna say it from my chest. Don't be surprised if I get tattoo's with names this year, just to give a big FUCK YOU to all the scaredy cats out there that think tattoo's are a jinx. There's no better legacy than owning the shit that's printed onto your flesh like a logo, and WINNING anyway (Winner Takes All).

This blog was supposed to be about the things I realize make me feel special. They're very strange, but when executed correctly - they're just the kind of shit Thobe wants on the menu.

1. DESIRED > REQUIRED (desired is greater than required)

If you don't need me... In other words, you can cook. You have better sexual options. You have a social life. You have someone that supplies everything I can give to you Blah Blah Blah... but yet you select my company often - is telling me something.

It tells me that you Want me. You Choose Me. That makes me feel really special. It makes me feel like I have a certain Je Ne Sais Quoi that no matter WHO is doing WHAT to you, you'd still prefer it if I was the one doing it.

2. LOVE > TRUST (love is greater than trust)

I care not to be trusted.

I want you to feel like every time I'm not with you, I could be with someone else. I want you to want me despite not trusting me even one bit. It's a purer kind of desire to me. It's translating that you don't love me because I am kind to you. It's something more intangible, and inexplicable, and deeper than that. You know you feel deeply for something when it's a threat to your well being but you want it anyway.

I want to be like your pet Tigress. Who sleeps next to your pet Lamb (your heart). And when you go to sleep, you'll never know if today's the day you'll wake up to see a bloody heap in my face and a bone in my teeth. And if that's not the case, you'll never know if today's the day I decide to eat you alive.

I'm not saying I want my lover to live in fear - I just want you to love me in spite of not trusting me. This may sound strange, but if you don't get it, I can't explain it. Loving someone in spite of their wost quality is extremely deep to me. And I like feeling and loving and feeling profound while fucking so shit... When you expect worse from me - and you're wearing socks... prepare to have them blowed off. Pun intended.

Don't get me twisted, I like being happy. But I like knowing who I'm rolling with. Is this a light weight? Or can I go through some shit, can I show you the entirety of me - not just my good angles - and still have you?

I consider people who cannot embrace my bad side weak. The minute I smell weakness I become like a shark smelling blood, I just finish you off. I do this because I'm barely ever bad. I like releasing my aggression all at once.

This TRUST I mention is not only about extra-curricular lovers, I'm talking about not trusting me to love you the way you want to be loved. If I can hurt you to an unmanageable point, and you still come back to me - it makes me feel very speshal.

Myone - Only unfulfilled love is romantic.

I dreamed of someone very special last night. I often wonder if the people I incessantly think about are also thinking of me simultaneously. If we could somehow measure brainwaves, wouldn't it be truly profound if we discovered we dream about each other on the same days? Or we had the same dream on the same night? Like when I used to think about you so hard and then suddenly you would call? Or we're calling each other at the same time so we're blocking each others phone lines? And we both leave voice messages at the same time? Remember that?

He’s the only man I know who's bold enough to be angry with me. Hang up on me. Scold me. Question me. Confront me. Truly call me out on my bullshit and properly punish me. Make me own up to myself

He’s not afraid of me.

He fights me like he’s not afraid of loosing me. Even though he has no idea that he's My One. He thinks he's like everyone else. Replaceable. He does this not as to abuse his unknown privileges as the person I cannot release, but to stand up for himself under my tyrannical rule. I love him for this. He doesn't care if he adores me, I have to know that I do shitty shit and I ought to know better. Naughty Girl. He'll risk losing me for equality. For democracy. As if he could live without me.

We can’t even be on the same continent without burning bridges to be together.

I remember when you were so angry with me we didn’t talk for months, and then one day you called and we didn’t even bother apologizing to each other. I could recognize your voice through water. After that you christened my dark side: Thobitchile. (Which has now become a household name).

You’re the only one who has admitted to me that you can NEVER trust me, and it only proved to me that you don’t need trust to love.

I know I can’t be trusted.

My worst fear is that one of us will die before we ever have a chance.
That the one shot we had was all we’ll ever have and we were too young anyway.

The Honesty Policy is for Rookies

This is for all the people in the world who like boring the shit out of me with this "honesty policy" talk.

The Honesty Policy: The idea that you can be 100% honest with the person you're in a relationship with.

#KNOWBETTER V.I.P QUOTE: “Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusion.” Samantha Jones

The Honesty Policy is part of the collective literature they pass around at the weekly ROOKIE meetings about what a relationship "should" be. It's passed along with the other ones: The 3 month rule, The "you CAN turn a hoe into a housewife/husband" testimonials, I love the real you despite bad sex and/or disease... and all that other bullshit. It's cute because no matter how many meetings they go to, they seriously think the honesty policy is a true and working system.

#knowbetters who only attend one annual meeting where we touch bases, implement new laws, and move on are sincerely trying to help Rookies all over the world understand a few things this year. We can't guarantee it'll take though, you rookies sure can be stubborn.

Rookies, if you cheat - don't ever ever ever confess to your lover about it unless you are ready for the relationship to end. I understand Rookie, you feel Guilty. It's a big burden to bear, but I can't help wondering what you think is going to happen when you confess to someone that you cheated?

Listen to your instinct Rookie.
Only one or maybe even both of the following will occur:
1. You will never be forgiven - so you'll break up.
2. You will forever be punished if you stay together.

And No, you will never be trusted again.

You have to understand that when you tell people you cheated, it's exactly like asking to break up. People who confess up don't get this. They think some Fairy God Mother of The Honestly Policy will wave a wand over the cheatee and they will be touched by the fact that YOU told them, and YOU included the fact that it was killing you that's why you confessed. You think they'll take that into consideration as they remember the day you left them hanging to fuck someone else. You think they'll care that you feel terrible now when they imagine you doing your sex tricks on someone else huh? cute.

One day you will find out that there's a relationship in "Theory" and a relationship in "Actuality"... When thinking about the way you "Want" things and the way they "Are", mind the gap.

Why Teases are Sadists.

First: DEFINITIONS.

tease (tz)
v. teased, teas·ing, teas·es
v.tr.

3. To arouse hope, desire, or curiosity in without affording satisfaction.


sa·dism
   /ˈseɪdɪzəm, ˈsædɪz-/ Show Spelled[sey-diz-uhm, sad-iz-] Show IPA
–noun
1.
Psychiatry . sexual gratification gained through causing pain or degradation to others. Compare masochism.
2.
any enjoyment in being cruel.
3.
extreme cruelty.


I've had enough of these cocksuckers. My biggest crush of 2009 was a TEASE. I couldn't stand it. I mean, I can't Stand it.

TEASES are people who lure you with the promise of sexual gratification and never satisfy. I'm not talking about illusive eye banter and flirting. I'm talking about straight telling you what they would do to every crevice of you at the drop of a dime. I'm talking about someone you cannot "just fuck" because you're never at the right place for it at the same time. Or in English, someone you work with.

It's the worst when you were never interested in it in the first place. You were hanging out. Doing your thing. Walking your walk. Talking your talk, and here comes this person. Good Looking but no-one you seriously considered until they started selling themselves to you. At first you weren't paying close attention... then suddenly they said the magic words, "What? What did you say? You studied massage? so you KNOW how to hot stone massage?" "Oh, you're a cook? You went to culinary school?" "You'll do WHAT to me after you get me home? Where do I sign, sir?"

So now you're interested. You can't wait to try this new one out. You can't even sleep because you dream about sexing them. They've told you plainly that they have designs. You've started imagining the different parts of their clothed body...

You say, let's meet at the club. Let's meet for a movie. They have other plans. After you think that maybe you're moving too fast. Maybe they want to get to know you first, you change tactics, you start having actual conversations and really getting to know each other. Why aren't they picking you up? After all they came to you right?

Fast forward months later, you stopped talking. You have a flicker of hope that visits you on random and far apart days. Still. You know at the back of your mind, you could entertain how good you think they'd be in bed.

Then, out of the blue, they contact you.
One victim of these Sadists had this to say:

"He ain't on a damn thing... wasted enough time with him.... all that text and talk and not ONE date... and I have offered to meet with him... Flaky ass."

Yes. Sadists take pleasure in the unfulfillment of your desires.

Even if they have to accept the responsibility of inspiring you, which they often will. Their rocks won't get off unless they leave you hanging.

Just like I say on my twitter, how dare you whip out your dick wave it in my face and have me follow it like a hungry dog ready to stand on the back of my legs and bark twice for it. How dare you, sir. I have PEOPLE waiting in LINE and shit! Fuck off you Rhinocerous Pizzle.

Are You Happy?

This is the main theory by which I live my life. I want things. I will work for those things. While working for them, I will try my best not to complain about the circumstances I am willing to accept to get these things.

I get tired of people who know they're unhappy but want to talk my ear off instead of take action. They'll complain for years and never change the situation, and blame their inaction on something feeble and vague like "love" or "loyalty"

Peace be to you people. This is the only life I'll ever live, and this is not a drill. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is it. Unless you're taking actions to changing a situation, don't complain to me. Don't lean on me, or use me as a veil for facing your own situation for what it is, if it is a pile of shit. Look at your life. Do you like it? If yes, rock on. If not, do something. But whatever you do, don't call me and bitch about it. Quite frankly, I'd rather stare at the ceiling and practice my deep breathing exercises.

x

Conversations in Passing: Less Baggage. More Sincerity

1. Do you. But if "doing you" is bothering me - please don't involve me. I'm nicer this year, but I'm also on that 247. I'm a quarter of a hundred years old now. I'm not carrying anyone's baggage but mine. Neither should you. I don't want ANY drama this year - and my life is soooooo not dramatic, but other people like bringing their shit into my zen-zone. True.

I mean, there are some things I need to face, like how un-clean my house is. But my lightly messy living spaces are a reflection of my lightly messy brain. I'm not organized. It's not a sin. It doesn't bother me until it bothers me. Hallelujiah. Amen.

But the only bullshit I happily deal with is mine. Yours, uh uh. #stayback #strangerdanger!

2. I'm now Pro-makeup. If you say sorry, please be sincere. Let your actions prove it. Meet each other halfway while en route. I say this because I had an insane amount of apologies last year. Like, again and again and again and again, people were apologizing. I'm not a grudge holder. I love it when I can admit to myself that what I did was fucked up, and I like it when other people can too. But it shouldn't take anything less than my good sense on a sober and uneventful day to say sorry. I pay tons of attention to the timing of these apologies. I like knowing the agenda behind peoples words. Are you really sorry? Or are you just embarrassed and feeling sheepish? That's what I couldn't tell from most of these apologies. One came after they felt under appreciated. Another one came after a peculiar string of revenge bitch! slaps. Another one came on a drunk as fuck moment 8 months After the fact. Another one is a repeat apologizer, and now I don't take anything they say seriously. Should it matter in what context I get an apology? Yes. I want you to be sincerely sorry. Picture this:

You + your neighbor are super cool. One day you and your neighbor get in a tiff. You stop talking. You feel bad. You sincerely want to be friends again. Do you:
1. Apologize
2. Stay Mad, or
2. Just not apologize.

Okay, you do nothing, or you stay mad. One day, your neighbor comes to you with a nice and warm apple pie. They say it's for the cookout you're having, even though they're not staying - They baked it for you, and then they leave.

THEN you say sorry.

Why now?

1. Is it because you feel silly that you just got an apple pie from someone who you've been consciously disregarding? Or is it because

2. You realize that while you were throwing shade and staying mad, this person was baking you a pie. Now what? You've been caught off guard. You were expecting a right, but you got a left? Check mate? Touche? Disarmed?

3. You sincerely felt bad, you just couldn't bring yourself to apologize. And now, you have this pie, and you feel even worse? Because now it's like you're apologizing because of the pie, when with or without the pie - you were sorry.

As you can see... this is what events and actions have in common to me. If you're sorry just say sorry. Don't wait for the day I bring pie to say sorry. It just doesn't sound real and honest. If it was a commercial - I wouldn't buy it.

Also, flowers never hurt nobody.

:)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm happy to report that my advice has saved a relationship. It's day 2 of 2011 and my good karma resolution is hard at work! While I was eating a yummy burger and freezing my tushie off in downtown Chicago, IL on 1111, a girl on the other side of the planet was getting multiple orgasms courtesy of the advice of Yours Truly. Thank you, Thank you. Please, no pictures. First, I'd like to thank Twitter. Couldn't have done it without you. lol

I'm dead ass serious when I say, when in doubt - formspring or tweet it out!

twitter.com/aprettygirlblog
http://www.formspring.me/aprettygirlblog

xxx