Now that you know how to spot LOVE, SEX and a FUCK let me walk you through the little section in my Rabbit Hole called... My idea of Marriage.
Marriage, as we all know, is a social union or legal contract between individuals that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways. Almost all cultures that recognize marriage also recognize adultery as a violation of the terms of marriage.
My Ideal Marriage:
How we met - Love at first sight (scroll down to previous blogs to know what all italicized words mean).
How we are - we put the 'fuck' in the term, Fuckathon
I'm a Particular Romantic. I want things in a certain way, or I don't want them at all. I want to possess my lover. I want perpetual Sex Bombs exploding into perpetual sexual electrical current exchange between my lover + I. I want a mental challenge, I am the Queen of mind games... (Okay, maybe not The Queen) and I want someone who can match me, surpass me, mentally. My mind games are not to destroy, they are not to disintegrate a soul. They are to add layers, and flavors to a love game. To add momentum. I want a person who see's the World for the playground that I see it is. And we can be obsessed with each other in it. I know it's possible to have this experience, because I've already had a taste of my Holy Grail. I licked True Love? No. Definitely Love though. Now that I know for a scientific fact that such a thing truly CAN exist, I want nothing less.
I have these high standards because I grew up witnessing the most stable marriage I've ever seen. No fights, No disagreements, just pure Romance. SO....
Until further notice, those are the conditions in which I would allow myself to be at the merciless hands of marriage. Spending forever with one person is absolutely out of the question until then. Why? Read on.
MARRIAGE as it's commonly known:
In institution which starts romantic and ideallic that catapults into a sordid tragedy. The life cycle of relationships that turn into matrimony generally go in this order --- Sex Kitten, Hot Sex, Good Fuck, Fuckathon, True Love, Good Sex, Bad Sex, Bad Fuck, Everlasting Love, Lovers, and Fucked Over.
I find it disturbing how many people are in sexless marriages.
I find it disturbing when one has multiple partners yet claims to be in a committed relationship.
I find it disturbing when the same group of people fuck each other repeatedly (Group Sex, or just swapping sexual partners in general as if you live on some kind of commune)
As a conclusion: I am ready for the future. If I don't find someone that makes me WANT to marry them so badly I literally propose to him, then I want no part of it. I'm willing to date, and be in a series of relationships until I die. I refuse to be married out of obligation, or be married to a person who does not try to understand me or does not care about me (you'd be surprised how quickly a lover will turn into a hater) and I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who cannot fuck only me. I'm very possessive. And rightly so, because I bring ALOT to the table. I know how to love a man (a man told me that).
I just can't be expected to hang around in "everlasting love" while my partner collects chlamydia samples can I? no, no, no, no, no... I don't think so. But that's what Marriage looks like to me so far, it looks remarkably like Fucking Hell.
Obviously, I would adore being married to the right person.
Obviously, the right person is hard to find, but I'm not "settling" when it comes to marriage. That's what dating is for... SETTLING. Marriage involves contracts and laws, there's no room to "settle" in a Marriage for me. No Room at all. Especially if I intend to involve my offspring in such theatrics.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
FUCK: A SPOTTER'S GUIDE
- Good Fuck: Lots of noise. Makes a point to alert neighbors of sexual activity on premises. Leaves nothing behind and does not phone immediately after. In short, should probably have charged for services rendered.
- Bad Fuck: Counts ceiling tiles, thinks of grocery list. Then demands betrothal.
- Fuckathon: Think... Non stop wildness. Think... The Zoo. R.Kelly. Think... Jurassic Park. Sexasaurus Rex anyone?
- Fuckable: Not so much conventionally attractive as exuding animal qualities. Unless, of course, that animal is an otter. Or slug.
- Fucking Hell: A destitute area populated by people of the special kind who exude sex but would rather talk about their pets, spirituality, sports or their hobbies rather than engage in sex.
- Fucked Over: No longer the recipient of regular fucks.
- Bad Fuck: Counts ceiling tiles, thinks of grocery list. Then demands betrothal.
- Fuckathon: Think... Non stop wildness. Think... The Zoo. R.Kelly. Think... Jurassic Park. Sexasaurus Rex anyone?
- Fuckable: Not so much conventionally attractive as exuding animal qualities. Unless, of course, that animal is an otter. Or slug.
- Fucking Hell: A destitute area populated by people of the special kind who exude sex but would rather talk about their pets, spirituality, sports or their hobbies rather than engage in sex.
- Fucked Over: No longer the recipient of regular fucks.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
SEX: A SPOTTER'S GUIDE.
- Sex Shop: Not normally known to sell sex as such, sell things pertaining to sex more like.
- Hot Sex: Reproduces, as nearly as possible, the visual effect of pornography. (Read: Phone-In Sex)
- Good Sex: In which you get everything you want.
- Bad Sex: In which someone else gets everything they want.
- Sex Kitten: A woman of reasonable charm, though often reliant on cantilevering lingerie.
- Sexual: Usually related to the mating rituals of animal species or the burgeoning hormonal urges of youth. Word never used in an actual sexual episode without various Marvin Gaye songs.
- Sex Education: The interface between a banana and a condom. Not generally known to impart any useful information.
- Sex Bomb: A weapon of Mass Destruction.
- Hot Sex: Reproduces, as nearly as possible, the visual effect of pornography. (Read: Phone-In Sex)
- Good Sex: In which you get everything you want.
- Bad Sex: In which someone else gets everything they want.
- Sex Kitten: A woman of reasonable charm, though often reliant on cantilevering lingerie.
- Sexual: Usually related to the mating rituals of animal species or the burgeoning hormonal urges of youth. Word never used in an actual sexual episode without various Marvin Gaye songs.
- Sex Education: The interface between a banana and a condom. Not generally known to impart any useful information.
- Sex Bomb: A weapon of Mass Destruction.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
LOVE: A SPOTTERS GUIDE.
- Love At First Sight: The overwhelming desire to mentally undress, dry hump, or see the inside of the nearest closet (bar toilet, friends back garden, the alley way over there, et al) upon seeing member of choice of sexual orientation.
- True Love: Can be introduced to the family without unreasonable fear of embarrassment. On part of the family.
- Everlasting Love: A polyarmorous couple who haven't had sex with each other in years.
- Love Match: An alliance between kingdoms
- The Love of Your Life: The indolent person from your last year at Uni who spent 8-plus hours a day online and ate all the nutella. The memory of whom mysteriously improves over time.
- In Love: A momentary instance of being almost as interested in someone else as in oneself.
- Loving: Capable of untold amounts of suffocation.
- Lover: The one who comes around when your partner's "out of town.." (read: seeing HIS lover)
- Lovable: Cuddly. In the pejorative sense.
- True Love: Can be introduced to the family without unreasonable fear of embarrassment. On part of the family.
- Everlasting Love: A polyarmorous couple who haven't had sex with each other in years.
- Love Match: An alliance between kingdoms
- The Love of Your Life: The indolent person from your last year at Uni who spent 8-plus hours a day online and ate all the nutella. The memory of whom mysteriously improves over time.
- In Love: A momentary instance of being almost as interested in someone else as in oneself.
- Loving: Capable of untold amounts of suffocation.
- Lover: The one who comes around when your partner's "out of town.." (read: seeing HIS lover)
- Lovable: Cuddly. In the pejorative sense.
Monday, April 12, 2010
"Game Recognize Game Grandad, and You're Looking Unfamiliar Right Now!"
"Just be yourself" may be the biggest lie anyone ever told. Everyone knows "Being Yourself" is a bad idea, just ask the neighborhood Ho. There's always a buyer for whatever you're selling. For instance, I love Abs, but when girls like me see Abs (knowing how hard it is to get them) I just assume he's mentally incompatible. Why? I figure he lives in the gym. I love Abs, but I love brains more. What does it matter? In the Gym guys defense I only represent about 10% of the female population. So really, my dislike of his "Gym-Time" affects such a small percentile of his overall pussy supply. We know this upon meeting. We know who's who just by looking at each other. He'll see me and know I spend too little time in the gym and too much time in the books, and I know the vice-versa. So what do we do? I give his Ab's a solid Nod. He gives my Ass's perfect circumference a standing ovation, and there continues the circle of life.
Someone once told me that most guys don't go for me because of some reason or the other revolving around my infamous "difficulty" (I pick my bones, what can I say?). At the time, I was offended (and proceeded to take her man) but now in retrospect all this is just Natural Selection. Most guys don't go for me? That's perfectly okay, because guess what? I don't go for Most guys neither. So we just canceled each other out right there. I don't want typical men, and typical men don't want me.
The Theory of "Game Recognize Game" is so etched into the fiber of my being that I cannot afford to waver from the truth. I look at people in the eye, and if I recognize the other person, I nod. If I don't, then I'm honestly trying to learn to just let you be. I release you from all expectations. I accept that your body is indeed just a body, and whatever is residing in that body has nothing to do with me and my peace of mind. Knowing who you are in the scheme of things is important to me, but wild cards exist, and Thank God they do. Oh, how I adore a mind-job.
Someone once told me that most guys don't go for me because of some reason or the other revolving around my infamous "difficulty" (I pick my bones, what can I say?). At the time, I was offended (and proceeded to take her man) but now in retrospect all this is just Natural Selection. Most guys don't go for me? That's perfectly okay, because guess what? I don't go for Most guys neither. So we just canceled each other out right there. I don't want typical men, and typical men don't want me.
The Theory of "Game Recognize Game" is so etched into the fiber of my being that I cannot afford to waver from the truth. I look at people in the eye, and if I recognize the other person, I nod. If I don't, then I'm honestly trying to learn to just let you be. I release you from all expectations. I accept that your body is indeed just a body, and whatever is residing in that body has nothing to do with me and my peace of mind. Knowing who you are in the scheme of things is important to me, but wild cards exist, and Thank God they do. Oh, how I adore a mind-job.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The Death of Eve. The Birth of Lilith
I'm so highly upset.
So upset, that this blog might be entirely biased. I only have ONE thing to say to each of The Common Offenders. But first, Let me give you a visual of what I'm trying to say. You have a deck of cards (a group of people). You're trying to play a game (You're trying to have fun). You have two "wild cards", commonly referred to as "The Jokers". These two cards can change the game (OR these two characters can change an evening)... so. I have written letters to them.
Before we carry on, I don't want anyone thinking that these things "just come up" for me. I have battled with these characters for forever it seems and they just won't die. While other people live their lives according to plan, and all social things come into frutition and more, no matter how many ways I try, I cannot escape these two. A 24 year and still going strong WAR. And... just to put proof in my pudding, In my letter, I quote a short letter a very good friend of mine had dedicated to Offender Number One earlier on this week (due to a social circumstance, as always) Because WAR takes no holidays, it's cares not about my appeasements. Only about my death (and they certainly are KILLING! me.)
DEAR JOKER NUMERO UNO:
"Dear insecure people,
""You guys are worse off than people with herpes...at least they can occasionally hide their affliction and chill out, where you are quick to be seen in a room with your sickness, in spite of yourself or better wisdom..."" It seems no matter how hard we (the universe) try to help you, you sink deeper into your world of madness.
No you're not like the rest of us. We're cool, trying to chill out and relax. I have included some definitions for you Insecure Person. So that you try and see yourself, I have realized that you insecure people don't know who you are. You just walk around spreading a mean funk and don't know it's you walking with the dog shit under your shoe...
INSECURITY is: Inner turmoil coming from a lack of direction or bewilderment as to where you are going, what your goals are and what responses are appropriate for social events in life.
INSECURE PEOPLE MAY HAVE: Been raised in a chaotic, unpredictable or volatile environment in which they were kept off balance, on guard or on edge.
INSECURE PEOPLE END UP: Being candidates for paranoia
INSECURE PEOPLE NEED TO: Take a rational approach to each problem they face so that they are no longer inhibited by debilitating fears or beliefs.
Insecure person, I'm trying to help you here, by inviting you to my shindigs. It makes me hope you'll embarrass yourself and see Insecurity for the ugly, useless thing it is that's occasionally passed for "Love, Obsession, Passion..." But I'm done helping you. Let's just say that the next time I want to ball, and you're there... I'm going to clock out. Peel out. Roll out. Bounce, Bish. Houdini. Because I've seen the future. I've flashed forward. If I haven't been able to successfully socialize with you in 24 years, I never will. Not last night, not tonight, and not tomorrow night. So I surrender. Here's my white flag. You win. I'm done!
AS FOR YOU... CUPID! JOKER NUMERO DOS!
Dear Cupid,
Please Leave me Alone.
I've trusted you time and time again. I think it's time we part ways. Don't try to convince me otherwise, or try to make it up to me (not that I would expect "kindness" from you). You've ruined more lives than George Bush, or any natural disaster combined. You've made me look like a DUMBAXX on numerous occasions. Sending gifts to undeserving parties, spending hours looking for the perfect card to make him laugh, trying to get my handwriting on it juuuust right so I won't look like a total DUMBAXX. Even baking cakes! Written a few poems! What do I know about Haiku? All I know is I like you. Well, I mean I like him. LIKED him. I mean, I thought I loved him but Cupid, you had to shit on it too. Well Cupid. The feeling is mutual. And you know what? You REALLY suck at your job dude. What did you like, graduate at the BOTTOM of your class or suttin'? See when someone shoots someone, they usually get jail time. What do you get? Praise? You even get your own fucking Holiday! I try to be a nice girl. You know, try to be a lady. But apparently, the quickest way to someone's heart... is through the axxhole. Well, I mean, being an axxhole. When I have no missed calls, I'm picking up the phone just to check if my signal is working. And then when the phone rings my heart-rate jumps just to see if it's HIM, but it's not. Stupid chain texts! No I will not forward to 10 people! (Maybe that's why I didn't get my 4am blessing.) No No No the blame is TOTALLY on YOU. You're NEVER there for me! After all the chances I've given you, are you SERIOUS? You have the power to build me up. Higher than any drug, then in a second, take me lower than any whore has ever been. I want off this roller-coaster. Cut the puppet strings! From this day forward, I am your anti-thesis. and I shall spread all propaganda, shit on all your love projects and be any unions worst nightmare.
DEAR CUPID: FUCK YOU!!!
Sincerely.
A Pretty Girl.
So upset, that this blog might be entirely biased. I only have ONE thing to say to each of The Common Offenders. But first, Let me give you a visual of what I'm trying to say. You have a deck of cards (a group of people). You're trying to play a game (You're trying to have fun). You have two "wild cards", commonly referred to as "The Jokers". These two cards can change the game (OR these two characters can change an evening)... so. I have written letters to them.
Before we carry on, I don't want anyone thinking that these things "just come up" for me. I have battled with these characters for forever it seems and they just won't die. While other people live their lives according to plan, and all social things come into frutition and more, no matter how many ways I try, I cannot escape these two. A 24 year and still going strong WAR. And... just to put proof in my pudding, In my letter, I quote a short letter a very good friend of mine had dedicated to Offender Number One earlier on this week (due to a social circumstance, as always) Because WAR takes no holidays, it's cares not about my appeasements. Only about my death (and they certainly are KILLING! me.)
DEAR JOKER NUMERO UNO:
"Dear insecure people,
""You guys are worse off than people with herpes...at least they can occasionally hide their affliction and chill out, where you are quick to be seen in a room with your sickness, in spite of yourself or better wisdom..."" It seems no matter how hard we (the universe) try to help you, you sink deeper into your world of madness.
No you're not like the rest of us. We're cool, trying to chill out and relax. I have included some definitions for you Insecure Person. So that you try and see yourself, I have realized that you insecure people don't know who you are. You just walk around spreading a mean funk and don't know it's you walking with the dog shit under your shoe...
INSECURITY is: Inner turmoil coming from a lack of direction or bewilderment as to where you are going, what your goals are and what responses are appropriate for social events in life.
INSECURE PEOPLE MAY HAVE: Been raised in a chaotic, unpredictable or volatile environment in which they were kept off balance, on guard or on edge.
INSECURE PEOPLE END UP: Being candidates for paranoia
INSECURE PEOPLE NEED TO: Take a rational approach to each problem they face so that they are no longer inhibited by debilitating fears or beliefs.
Insecure person, I'm trying to help you here, by inviting you to my shindigs. It makes me hope you'll embarrass yourself and see Insecurity for the ugly, useless thing it is that's occasionally passed for "Love, Obsession, Passion..." But I'm done helping you. Let's just say that the next time I want to ball, and you're there... I'm going to clock out. Peel out. Roll out. Bounce, Bish. Houdini. Because I've seen the future. I've flashed forward. If I haven't been able to successfully socialize with you in 24 years, I never will. Not last night, not tonight, and not tomorrow night. So I surrender. Here's my white flag. You win. I'm done!
AS FOR YOU... CUPID! JOKER NUMERO DOS!
Dear Cupid,
Please Leave me Alone.
I've trusted you time and time again. I think it's time we part ways. Don't try to convince me otherwise, or try to make it up to me (not that I would expect "kindness" from you). You've ruined more lives than George Bush, or any natural disaster combined. You've made me look like a DUMBAXX on numerous occasions. Sending gifts to undeserving parties, spending hours looking for the perfect card to make him laugh, trying to get my handwriting on it juuuust right so I won't look like a total DUMBAXX. Even baking cakes! Written a few poems! What do I know about Haiku? All I know is I like you. Well, I mean I like him. LIKED him. I mean, I thought I loved him but Cupid, you had to shit on it too. Well Cupid. The feeling is mutual. And you know what? You REALLY suck at your job dude. What did you like, graduate at the BOTTOM of your class or suttin'? See when someone shoots someone, they usually get jail time. What do you get? Praise? You even get your own fucking Holiday! I try to be a nice girl. You know, try to be a lady. But apparently, the quickest way to someone's heart... is through the axxhole. Well, I mean, being an axxhole. When I have no missed calls, I'm picking up the phone just to check if my signal is working. And then when the phone rings my heart-rate jumps just to see if it's HIM, but it's not. Stupid chain texts! No I will not forward to 10 people! (Maybe that's why I didn't get my 4am blessing.) No No No the blame is TOTALLY on YOU. You're NEVER there for me! After all the chances I've given you, are you SERIOUS? You have the power to build me up. Higher than any drug, then in a second, take me lower than any whore has ever been. I want off this roller-coaster. Cut the puppet strings! From this day forward, I am your anti-thesis. and I shall spread all propaganda, shit on all your love projects and be any unions worst nightmare.
DEAR CUPID: FUCK YOU!!!
Sincerely.
A Pretty Girl.
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