Dear Lyfe, and Steve... Before I buy the car...

I take it for a test drive.

Basically Lyfe and Steve think holding out for a dude for at least 3 Months should guarantee a man's heart. Even though I feel for what Lyfe Jennings and Steve Harvey are trying to communicate... I can't co-sign. Why? There's a lot FOR ME to consider before entering a "relationship"... but before I dive into it, I'd just like to mention how funny it is that all these men think women do all this sleeping around because "we don't cherish ourselves, or we don't respect our [idea that body=]temples" because we had a fucked up father. Nope. Sometimes, we just wanna fuck. It's true. Just like You.

I too love it when I get FREAKY sexts, and I too Don't want to know your likes and dislikes, and I Don't want to know your family or which school you go to, I Don't want to watch or spend anytime "getting to know you"... Why? Simple. Because I. Don't. Care.

For them to assume that ALL we're interested in getting from men is a Husband is pretty presumptuous... I mean, have you read the job description of a "wife" lately? Well, let's just say I'd LOVE to have a wife too!

So then, why in the world would I hold out for 3 ENTIRE MONTHS when meeting a guy I'm attracted to? Do these dudes know exactly how much can go wrong for me in sex? Let me open this pandora's box special for Lyfe Jennings and Steve Harvey.

1. Size DOES Matter
This is 2010, and I don't like getting tricked. You small dicked men know you're small dicked, so what do you do? You do EVERYTHING else right... such as... send me flowers, buy me presents, take me out and cuddle with me when Auntie Flow is KILLING me. Okay, so I really like you now. We're three months in - I'm amazed at his performance outside of the bedroom, I'm obsessed with the boy and I can't wait to ride that shit like a pony. Then I see it/feel it [or rather Don't feel it] and now what?? What the fuck is this shit? My emotions are involved and I don't have the heart to tell you to pack it up without feeling a total bish. So I keep quiet. I mean, its not like he can fix it. And can't I compromise? The relationship keeps going, and only one person is getting their sexual needs met. God Forbid this shit lands to a proposal. Preposterous!

2. Okay, it's a beautiful cock, now, Can You Use It?
I truly believe it takes two to make sex bad, but sometimes - you meet people that are the SOLE responsible party for making sex whack. If you're feeling self conscious right about now, then here's a tip. You can tell if you're good or bad in bed by how many people call you back for more. Only someone who enjoyed fucking you will come back for re-runs. If you have more call-backs than one night stands - you're okay. Unless you dwell in this "sneak attack" zone where you make them like you first, or as my ninja so eloquently puts it... you hire INTERNS, which is just plain foul play. So your foul ass might have to get direct customer reviews to find out where you stand behind closed doors. Happy counting!
Anyway, if I wait for 3 months - or as Lyfe advised - tell him I'm celibate... and now the D is just the size I like it - but still nothings poppin'... then what? Because I'm 24 and anyone whos been here for over 20 years should know how to handle a body by now, do I want to be your coach? No. Do I want to get Properly Laid? Yes. I've been in love with someone who was bad in bed before, it's no fun AT ALL (the rest is history). Let me be the one to tell you, getting them out of your bed is not an issue - it's the getting them out of your head part that's fucked up. So why should I bother knowing your favorite food (Until I know you know what to Do with the D)?

3. Is your Money where your Mouf is?
I love head. Any of my ninjas and ex's will tell you how much I love head... it is the shit. Like, for reals. Just put your whole face in it please. And men can smell this on me. Why else would I meet alot of men that like saying they'll eat it like a cannibal? but when push comes to shove... I wish they would! I hate it when I reeeally like someone that rarely gives head. My least favorite thing is to realize I spent a weekend giving head without getting it back... selfish lovers are disgusting to me. And I keep an extra eye out for them, because they're the SNEAKIEST. Once I realize I'm in a one sided sexual relationship... count me out.

4. As this blog comes to an end - I'd like to give special mention to longevity, and to sex drive. If you're a guy that can't last over ten minutes in bed, I need you to practice... I need you to last at LEAST 45 mins to an Hour, unless we're having a quickie. and if you don't like having sex at least once a day - you need not apply. Don't waste any of my time please.

This three month rule interferes with all factors. People are lovely, but if I can't have these things - I'm not dating you. Period. I'm 24 - I don't want to train someone, and then we break up, and then I go celibate again for another 3 months because I met someone else, and do this shit all over again. #nothanks. I've compromised enough! I've dated the small dick, the bad in bed, the one minute man, the one with a low low low libido, and the one stingy with head... why? BECAUSE I GOT TO KNOW THEM BEFORE TESTING THE GOODS.

To summarize this letter Mr. Jennings and Mr. Harvey - all I'm saying is...



Fuck That Shit.




[let that marinate... then] Come up with something else.
#thatisall
#gooddaysir!
#Iamdonehere