The First Booty Call: Telegram from the 'Power.'

Let me make this reeeeeal easy for you (potential future lay)... my booty calls have to be like a warm chocolate souffle, if it's not warm - I'm not eating it. Scenario: I don't really know dude. I mean, we hung out SOMETIMES, but I don't know him like that. I do know that he wants my bawdy though. Baaad. (Lesson 1: Whoever cares less in a relationship is in more control, and if you think a booty call is not a relationship, you're sadly mistaken. Anyone you talk to in ANY manner other than professional is in a relationship with you.) Okay, so dude wants my bawdy. I couldn't care less. That fact automatically gives me the upper hand, the 'power', I'll never want to call him, see him, fuck him unless the thought of these actions one day unusually amuse me to the point of actually doing them (usually under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, after the first time, if it's mediocre - read on. If it blows my mind-- then I'll automatically drop from 'powerful' one to 'thirsty' one). Anyone that has the lower hand in these situations (i.e 'dude') needs to put in a little more work. The only time my pussy is on the drive-thru menu (meaning: you can literally call me at midnight, say you're coming over, and leave post-shag) is when I'm the one with the lower hand, when I'm the 'thirsty' one. I want you more than you want me. If on the other hand, you are in the unfortunate position of being the thirsty one, like 'dude' right here, be prepared to butter me up. If you call me drive-thru style - you will get shut down. But if you come early... movies/drinks... that goose gets me loose. I'll be thinking to myself, "Now why was I trippin'? I should have a couple more drinks and stop discriminating"... and give it to you. Don't feel bad, I mean... I gave you my number, right?

Yes I'm a bum, but I'm a Hardvard bum.

After a not less than interesting episode this week, I think it's only right I make another public service announcement. I love men and I hate it when they fuck up, luckily enough I'm an outspoken woman, who loves hearing mens opinions about women too (gotta finesse my 5-star chic-ness by being one step ahead of the game)... after giving out opportunities for my people to send me their (potential) significant other's pet peeves... a few stand out.

1. Please act like you had some home training. I don't understand rude people myself, but it seems rude people think they're owed an explanation as to why they're resorted to being rude. Remember your manners, other than the obvious, "thank-you, please, and la la la's" PLEASE don't talk on the phone with company - in fact... easy on the texting too. Why tweet and facebook about living life instead of actually living it? or talk for like, 100 minutes on the phone instead of fondle and have actual fun with the person who actually made an effort to see you? It makes me smh. Your phone number will be deleted if you act like an ass in public.

2. Ladies, The men want stilettos in the kitchen. What does that mean? I know its not 1957, but if we can have the balls to require a man to be sexy, muscley, fix-it, big dick, rich, obedient, faithful la la la.... then we can at least TRY to learn how to cook, and be clean. It's not that men want us barefoot and pregnant, but it's a pleasure and aphrodisiac to cook good food to the people you love who love you back. For me, I think it's symbolic when someone (MAN OR WOMAN) is living in dirty spaces and can't take care of themselves. It's like a huge mirror into the place a person is in their life. Feed yourself and Clean yourself. Your phone number will be deleted if you are unclean AND lazy.

3. Get your game tight... A beautiful, magnificent, gorgeous human being will lose one thousand points if you can't kiss, or worse yet... fuck. If you have spent over two decades on this planet then it is your responsibility to know how to hit the pleasure points of the human body. So here's some tips to help those who have no idea how to kiss:
When it comes to kissing... absolutely DO NOT --> shove your tongue into someone elses mouth... but please DO--> keep your lips moisturized. DO NOT --> be too eager, for God sakes... take your time. Don't be rash!! But please DO --> Keep your breath fresh. Mint Explosion on Ice. DO NOT!!!---> swish and swash your tongue like it's a washing machine, literally erect your tongue and make it 'poke' your other's mouth cavity invasively, OR give someone a facial. With your tongue... OMFG DO NOT DO IT!!! But please DO --> use alot of eye contact, and open your lips artfully. don't go full force so you get intimate quickly!! instead, softly part your lips and allow your others lips to enfold yours, and let the small bits of tongue play, THEN you can turn up the heat.

As for the sex --> holla at my inbox. If you can't kiss or fuck, your number will be deleted.

4. Boys. Thoughtful gifts are nice, but don't be cheap. Times is hard. We know, and sometimes we know you're with someone you don't care about, but if you're gonna bother to get a gift. Don't get the cheapest one you find, or your number will be deleted. Testimony, I once considered messing with someone who I was not even remotely interested in on the basis of what he got me for valentines day. He got me cheap candy, I got him blue balls.

5. Girls. Possessiveness is a very ugly, ugly beast. There's a difference between showing someone you don't want to share them (which is good), and making them document their each and every move, or have an approval from you for them to go anywhere without you... (baaaaad. bad bad bad...) That will definitely get your number deleted.

6. Know what you want. Don't even try to bite what you can't chew. If you have more than one potential, don't you ever give any kind of indication that you're juggling balls or tits to the other. We all know we're hot shit. You having two or more is no new shit mkay baby, so shut the fuck up about your options. We all have them. That's why your number will be deleted after this conversation.

7. Thirst, attachments... Let it be what it is, if it's not a boy/girlfriend officially dating scenario - please don't act like it is. In fact, it's been scientifically proven that every time a girl gives her number to a guy she met in the club, he blows the buttons off of her phone and he ends up being legendary for his neediness, and I quote, "Biggest turn off is when dudes get attached way too fast .... it creeps me out"....

8.If you're loaded, do not feel the need to show off your money. I understand that for some basic dudes and bishes that's they're best foot forward right there, Money. After the money --> there's nothing. Can you at least pretend to have a personality? acting is not as hard as it looks.

I love brain so I'm looking for that Einstein.

I bumped into a very interesting blog about head. Care to share? Click link. http://www.nakedwithsockson.com/2009/02/05/bad-head-uhm-it%E2%80%99s-not-working-boo/

How To Fake An Orgasm - The Animated Guide

---> Arch your back at a 45-degree angle and pant like a dog.

---> Recite a couple of bad lines from a B-rated blue movie (Remember those?) Example: Tell Big Poppa he does it for you like no one else can.

---> And the basics: "Yes, yes, yes... harder, harder... don't stop!!!" Then you'll want to immediately slap the nearest pillow.

---> Mix it up. This means sometimes you'll want to slap the pillow then scream, other times you want to scream first, then slap the pillow. Men love variety.

---> Don't forget to suck your finger.

---> Now for show and tell: Ask him whose "it" is, and tell him that it's his! (Yes it is)

---> If he switches positions, stops for a rest, or reaches for a drink of water, pay no attention and keep screaming anyway.

---> Now for the alleged orgasm: Scream like a banshee, and begin those Kegel exercises. Squeeze... release... squeeze... release.

---> And after sex, don't forget pillow talk. You've had two men before him. (Okay, three, tops. But that's your final offer.)

WARNING: IF YOUR MAN SEES THIS, IT COULD HAVE AN ADVERSE EFFECT (erectile dysfunction)

Can You Survive the Slump?

I believe all relationships have a life cycle.
First, the initial reaction to each other, everyone is still showing their better angles. Can't wait to see each other, can't wait to touch each other, can't wait to fuck each other. Then you kiss, touch, fuck. Can't wait to do it again. Wait! You actually really like him, he really likes you! Wait! You remember minute details! He likes... Maroon 5? They're alright. If he likes them... they must be better than I thought. Let's give 'em another try. Next thing you know, you want him to know you. I mean, it's one thing to let someone in, it's another to let them get familiar. The highest of life, everytime they turn around... you kiss. You laugh at another inside joke. Its amazing, it's purrfect. It's walking on air.
Then comes the slump. The slump is the period in all relationships when guards and pretenses go down, it's when you get introduced to the 'real thing'. This is the defining point of most relationships... if you can make it through 'the slump'... you can make it. Point blank period. Thats when mood swings and stupid fights start to bear their heads. When people get tired of trying so hard to be what you want them to be... The Slump Begins. Many soldiers have fallen here.

Of course, after the slump - you pretty much KNOW who you're dealing with, and the relationship is whatever you make it... delicious - or, bland? (AHHHH the glory of acceptance)

He's Just Not That Into Me

This is how I fuck myself up. Why is it that I orchestrate everything to happen a certain way and then when it's finally happening... I fuck it up. How? OK... my crush is approaching. Heart is fluttering. Fluids are escaping from my body. I put on a game face so I don't seem too eager, then he asks me whats wrong. I don't want my dramatic game face to scare him off, I don't want him to think he annoys me... so I try to put on my happy face, which is waaaay too eager. I now seem schitzofrenic. Of which he has officially accused me of. Unbeknownst to him - I'm only like that around him, because I'm so damn busy trying to be the right temperature, trying to be cool. So busy being psychotic. *sigh*. Around everyone else, I'm a dream. A normal girl, who's funny and sweet. But I can't be myself around him because I'm not relaxed. I'm under too much pressure to just grab him by the shirt and kiss him savagely. Men I'm attracted to completely distract me, my thoughts are everywhere - I can barely construct a funny and intelligent sentence that can blow his socks off. I make dry jokes and stutter. THEN... I always check essentials when he has just walked away from me... breath, tits, lips gloss, hair, teeth, nose, body smell. When I'm waiting for him to come to my desk - I do nothing. When he has walked away, I fix myself. What kind of madness is this? If I never get him it's because I'm a complete psychotic Doofus. It's no suprize He's Just Not That Into Me. Well - it was nice to dream.

Timing is Everything

People are such sensitive little creatures. If I bumped into a Lion in the grasslands... I would 100% expect it to eat me 100% of times I see it. A person --- not so much. People are SO circumstantial that the dweeb you met this year could be Perfection next year. You just came at a bad time. Everything people stand for is tested everyday, so don't judge others on who they are today, but at the same time... don't be stupid. Stand for who you are and stay true to that. Believe me. Whatever you're looking for is looking for you.