I Am A Straight Girl

I had to say it.

Time and time again (3 times this week alone), I am answering questions about "Would I fuck another girl?". "Would I like to be in a threesome?" I have problems with this.

I don't fantasize about women. The mere thought of vagina in my mouth makes me gag. Boobs are boobs. I can admit when a girl is hot. I can ADMIRE her body, but I don't want to fuck her - or anything like it. I grew up in boarding school, I saw naked girls all the time. It didn't phase me. I never faltered from The Dick - other girls kissed other girls while I fantasized about senior boys. I don't even respect lesbian sex (only because if I did the things lesbians do with each other with a man, I wouldn't call it sex. I'd call it "fooling around"). No I'm not a homophobe, I'm just a Straight Girl. I want a nice big and healthy hard dick, a hard chest, strong arms, a deep voice, someone stronger than me... and all that jazz. If I can have two - even better!

I know there are bisexual girls all over this planet.. everywhere, and the older I get, the more men who ask me these questions repeatedly wonder why I can't be more accommodating to their fantasies. I don't blame them, women bend over backwards for the continuation of the Stroking of the high and mighty Male Ego (I know a woman that recommends women work, come home and clean, insert a stripper pole into the kitchen, throw away all ugly[comfy] underwear and learn how to cook like a chef, for Him. - apparently, all this also helps to nurture a woman's spirit... *Pause.* To each his own.)

Listen up boys! They way you don't do dudes is the way I don't do bishes. The way you can't imagine sucking another mans dick is the way I don't want a vagina anywhere near my mouth cavity. The way you can't bear the thought of a stiff shaft entering your anus and rectum is the way I can't cope with trying to sexually please a woman. This is a democracy, and I have the right to choose who I want to fuck.

To put it in simple terms, I don't fuck girls.

Thank you so much for your time, Have a nice day.

Dear Lyfe, and Steve... Before I buy the car...

I take it for a test drive.

Basically Lyfe and Steve think holding out for a dude for at least 3 Months should guarantee a man's heart. Even though I feel for what Lyfe Jennings and Steve Harvey are trying to communicate... I can't co-sign. Why? There's a lot FOR ME to consider before entering a "relationship"... but before I dive into it, I'd just like to mention how funny it is that all these men think women do all this sleeping around because "we don't cherish ourselves, or we don't respect our [idea that body=]temples" because we had a fucked up father. Nope. Sometimes, we just wanna fuck. It's true. Just like You.

I too love it when I get FREAKY sexts, and I too Don't want to know your likes and dislikes, and I Don't want to know your family or which school you go to, I Don't want to watch or spend anytime "getting to know you"... Why? Simple. Because I. Don't. Care.

For them to assume that ALL we're interested in getting from men is a Husband is pretty presumptuous... I mean, have you read the job description of a "wife" lately? Well, let's just say I'd LOVE to have a wife too!

So then, why in the world would I hold out for 3 ENTIRE MONTHS when meeting a guy I'm attracted to? Do these dudes know exactly how much can go wrong for me in sex? Let me open this pandora's box special for Lyfe Jennings and Steve Harvey.

1. Size DOES Matter
This is 2010, and I don't like getting tricked. You small dicked men know you're small dicked, so what do you do? You do EVERYTHING else right... such as... send me flowers, buy me presents, take me out and cuddle with me when Auntie Flow is KILLING me. Okay, so I really like you now. We're three months in - I'm amazed at his performance outside of the bedroom, I'm obsessed with the boy and I can't wait to ride that shit like a pony. Then I see it/feel it [or rather Don't feel it] and now what?? What the fuck is this shit? My emotions are involved and I don't have the heart to tell you to pack it up without feeling a total bish. So I keep quiet. I mean, its not like he can fix it. And can't I compromise? The relationship keeps going, and only one person is getting their sexual needs met. God Forbid this shit lands to a proposal. Preposterous!

2. Okay, it's a beautiful cock, now, Can You Use It?
I truly believe it takes two to make sex bad, but sometimes - you meet people that are the SOLE responsible party for making sex whack. If you're feeling self conscious right about now, then here's a tip. You can tell if you're good or bad in bed by how many people call you back for more. Only someone who enjoyed fucking you will come back for re-runs. If you have more call-backs than one night stands - you're okay. Unless you dwell in this "sneak attack" zone where you make them like you first, or as my ninja so eloquently puts it... you hire INTERNS, which is just plain foul play. So your foul ass might have to get direct customer reviews to find out where you stand behind closed doors. Happy counting!
Anyway, if I wait for 3 months - or as Lyfe advised - tell him I'm celibate... and now the D is just the size I like it - but still nothings poppin'... then what? Because I'm 24 and anyone whos been here for over 20 years should know how to handle a body by now, do I want to be your coach? No. Do I want to get Properly Laid? Yes. I've been in love with someone who was bad in bed before, it's no fun AT ALL (the rest is history). Let me be the one to tell you, getting them out of your bed is not an issue - it's the getting them out of your head part that's fucked up. So why should I bother knowing your favorite food (Until I know you know what to Do with the D)?

3. Is your Money where your Mouf is?
I love head. Any of my ninjas and ex's will tell you how much I love head... it is the shit. Like, for reals. Just put your whole face in it please. And men can smell this on me. Why else would I meet alot of men that like saying they'll eat it like a cannibal? but when push comes to shove... I wish they would! I hate it when I reeeally like someone that rarely gives head. My least favorite thing is to realize I spent a weekend giving head without getting it back... selfish lovers are disgusting to me. And I keep an extra eye out for them, because they're the SNEAKIEST. Once I realize I'm in a one sided sexual relationship... count me out.

4. As this blog comes to an end - I'd like to give special mention to longevity, and to sex drive. If you're a guy that can't last over ten minutes in bed, I need you to practice... I need you to last at LEAST 45 mins to an Hour, unless we're having a quickie. and if you don't like having sex at least once a day - you need not apply. Don't waste any of my time please.

This three month rule interferes with all factors. People are lovely, but if I can't have these things - I'm not dating you. Period. I'm 24 - I don't want to train someone, and then we break up, and then I go celibate again for another 3 months because I met someone else, and do this shit all over again. #nothanks. I've compromised enough! I've dated the small dick, the bad in bed, the one minute man, the one with a low low low libido, and the one stingy with head... why? BECAUSE I GOT TO KNOW THEM BEFORE TESTING THE GOODS.

To summarize this letter Mr. Jennings and Mr. Harvey - all I'm saying is...



Fuck That Shit.




[let that marinate... then] Come up with something else.
#thatisall
#gooddaysir!
#Iamdonehere

Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

I have bad news.

Your significant other represents you.

Yes, it's true. It's very seldom that you're blessed to find your equal. If you do - Good for you. If you're like the other 90% of lovers, then you have to work harder. And this one my friends, comes with a little tale...

This weekend was spent in the arms of my family. My family was coming from a wedding. That wedding sucked. ASS. What I personally saw from the wedding was the after party... which was by far the lousiest party I've been to in years, I thought it sucked because everyone was exhausted from the fab wedding. The next day I asked people how went the actual wedding? The food sucked (box mashed potatoes, canned green beans, saukraut cabbage, powdered gravy, and fried chicken) The music sucked (the couple is mixed, the bride was white and the groom was zimbabwean - the music was not culture considerate - so only one half of the room had a gas) and so on and so forth the atrocities went

Now. In America - Brides organize the wedding. Which really is no issue - but in this case - How was this girl supposed to know that Africans put weddings up on a pedestal? That Africans pick what to wear to a wedding MONTHS in advance? That Africans take weddings to such an extreme, that they NEED to be involved in the celebration... they will drive 13 hours to share this day with you? That Africans need a buffet style of home-made DELICIOUS food to select from? If this man was marrying an African Woman - they would have had excellent cuisine, they wedding guests would have danced all day and all night into a drunken celebratory stupor, they would have had gifts up to the ceiling... it would have been 100 times the wedding it was.

What I'm saying is - even though the wedding was fabulous for her (which it was. All the people who told me about the wedding commented on how happy she was - YAY!), it couldn't have been worse for him (it really couldn't). Everything she did for that wedding represents the couple, and since he wasn't involved she did exactly what she wanted to do - and it was such a low-bar in comparison to his culture's standards that he came out looking terrible.

If your significant other isn't case sensitive to you and you're a person who doesn't like being involved in "couple shit" - then you better have a lean-mean-super-human machine running the ship. Because when things like this happen - you look bad. Real Bad. There's nothing quite as ego-deflating as knowing your friends and family look down on your significant other because your lover can't cater to your standards. The older married African women who commented on this wedding said they feel bad for the bride - because of the adultery in his definite future. They said if that was their WEDDING, if the WEDDING day is representative of the quality of their relationship, then the relationship must be in shambles. And any girl who wanted to snatch him already knows where to hit... 0_0

Let this be a lesson to all you couples out there. Especially to you lazy bones who leave EVERYTHING to the other person... The things you do as a couple represent you as a couple. So if you give a shit about being in a fulfilling relationship - you gotta C.O.N.T.R.I.B.U.T.E

#bigbrotheriswatching

Official Facebook Rulebook

1. Thou shalt not put crazy looking shit in between your first name and last name.... Bobby Ĥ㺥ĤėāŕţfŏŗMïŋĭśťŗŷ Brown... uh... no. #thatsDEFINITELYnotit.

2. Thou shalt not compromise one's character. For instance, if you're a female who's dating, beautiful, 3-job having because you have mouths to feed... there's no reason in hell you should write a status that sounds something like "I don't think women can do anything other than be barefoot in the kitchen, and they definitely can't be president" stop contradicting yourself. Either be barefoot in the kitchen and write that status, or be independent and write a status that involves women as presidents. Don't do both.

3. Thou shalt not put your business on your Facebook. Facebook does not need to know when you and your significant other are having problems. It's awkward. We don't know whether to chime in, or what. Go ahead and vent when you're feeling negative, but don't say "you" did this and "you" suck ass for it... now we all know you guys have a fucked up relationship and one only intensifies the "loser" light on oneself because guess what... you're the one who's putting up with it.

4. Thou shalt not write on other peoples walls and then get annoyed when other people read and comment. If you want a private conversation, you send a message.

5. Ohh Lawd. This is an important one... THOU SHALT NOT TELL FACEBOOK WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD. We all know women bleed once a month. Announcing it is unnecessary, and some of us (actually, I took a poll... MOST of us...) Reeeeaallly needn't know. It's like telling facebook your water just broke. Ummm #nothanks.

This list will grow. I can promise you that.

Mars will not release Venus

People sometimes wonder what impact they're truly making in someone's life (especially when they're in love)... and I've noticed that when it comes to matters of the heart... Men are much more aware of a loss than women.

Many times this year, I've noted how men hold the person that truly moved them extremely close and refuse to let go of the idea of that person, whereas... when women move on - women mooooove on.

In 100% of all discussions I've participated in that involved a woman being contacted by someone she was deeply involved with years ago, she told me how disconnected to that relationship she is. That she doesn't even wonder about the guy (despite once loving the shit out of him) - let alone think of him.

When this same scenario was flipped, I was surprised to find that men were still feverent about the female who moved them. Some of them are even still vainly trying contact her - to no avail.

Its funny to me, because most times - it's women that put more "work" into a relationship (pay special attention to that verb). But when we move on, that's it. It's dead.

So... to all my men who truly love who they're with - but find it hard to show it. This is how it'll end; (In case you missed that whole thing - here's a summary) 10 years down the line... when facebook will be replaced by a holographic application... and you're frustrated because of always mentally referring to her, or mentally comparing everyone to her, and you end up calling her just say hello, or to hear her melodic voice again... or you're simply thinking about her everyday - Be Rest Assured that she isn't.

If Ya Liked It Then You Shoulda Putta Baby On it - The Baby Pitch

Babies are the new Wedding Rings.

Let that marinate.

Urban Dictionary:
"1. keep a nigga baby
A situation when a female is disillusioned into thinking that having a man's baby will keep him from leaving her. She purposely gets pregnant by him in hopes that things will improve or work out but they seldom do."

Rings are coveted because it's rumored to be that ONE guarantee that PROMISES to GOD that this person will never leave you forever and ever and ever and ever, Amen. In case that never happens (because we all know how unlikely it is to happen, in America) you think of alternatives. i/e living together, and the Golden Ram... Babies. This isn't just about females, I know some dudes that are guilty of pushing the baby idea. The Baby pitch is used when one feels like it's not enough to have the person you love, you need some guarantees! You need some solid objects, some hard core evidence that this love is not only real, it's reincarnated! They need something that will literally be a daily reminder of why you should stay together. Having a baby with someone means, they'll try harder with you, for the baby. It means it'll be harder to leave you, because of the baby. It means, whenever the thought of abandoning you creeps in, so does the baby. Best of all, it means you are eternally connected... no matter what, you'll never be fully rid of each other. It's more than a ring, it's a blood pact... only two kinds of people find this appealing... people in love, and insecure people --> because they REALLY.... REEEAAAAALLLLLYYYYY don't want to be alone <--- (Question, if you don't like being with you, why should I?... #somethingtothinkabout)

It's hard not to be insecure (...I guess...) and if you let insecurity take over you, it's a vortex you can damn near never escape. I feel like, some people don't even realize why they want a baby so badly. If you need a baby to ensure that you're never left alone, then you either need another partner, or a therapist. #yourchoice.

All I'm saying is, birth children into love. Not into Leverage.

#thatisall.
Hopefully, I didn't pull any of your heart strings. I know how sensitive some people are, but I'm not throwing #shade, just making mere observations.

The Boyfriend Experience VS The Boyfriend

Well. I'm in a #hoeshit place in my life. Some of you who personally know me may definitely be wondering where I'll stop. Let's just say, I can't stop now. I was in a drought for most of this year (so far), and now that there's a Tropical Thunderstorm, my buckets are all over the gotdamn street collecting water and drinking like a mu'fucka and shit. Yes Bish. I said it.

APGB TRANSLATOR : DIPS ---> side pieces, squeezes, people you fuck.

I had a conversation with my ninjas coming from a bamboozle of a job interview about Dips... and how they work. What are the official Dip laws?
1. No frequent sex, just whenever you're horny or desperate... call that number
2. Nobody important. No distance requirements, including but not limited to neighbors
3. No talking texting or calling in regards to anything other than the D(ick)

I love Dips, but my Dips are very custom made. (So I love them even more) what do I mean by that? I like having "The Boyfriend Experience" with my Dips. I want the IDEA of a boyfriend, not an actual boyfriend. I want a Hard Dick and Bubblegum. The rest, you can leave at the door. Boyfriends annoy me right now, and they don't work for me as far as I can tell. So, well... my Dip's qualifications sound like a potential boyfriend.
DIPS FOR ME: In order to qualify being one of my Dips. You need to fill the following requirements...
1. I can't fuck someone I don't know. So, I need to know you. Not "know" you, know you. But know you enough to feel safe when I'm alone with you (I have issues with strangers... that's another blog for another day)
2. You need to be a genius (Yes. Wear your thinking caps) I want someone who I can talk to (but not seriously, just someone who can give me intelligent banter, because WORDS turn me on. Ask my ex's and Dips... they'll tell you.)
3. You need to have some kind of order in your life... Starting with a job, but it doesn't end there... You need to be ambitious. Because I will not associate my name to anything I'd be embarrassed to have my name associated to.
4. You need height. Taller than me when I'm in heels.
5. And you need a nice, healthy, clean, thick, long... 100% lean meat... schlong. Or Dick. For those who don't know schlong.
6. Oh, and... you need to be attractive. Obviously. At the very least, have some style.
7. Last but not least, you can't live anywhere close to me. Neighbors??? HELLS NO.

As you should be able to tell, I have high standards. You'd be surprised how few people qualify for this. You'd be surprised how many at one time qualify for this. What ends up happening is that my Dips aren't Dips... they become my "Boyfriend Experiences"....
1. We have frequent sex (more frequent than I've had in most RELATIONSHIPS... needless to say, this is some of the BEEF I have with BOYFRIENDS.) and it only gets better because we know each other and like each other as people. BUT We're never too comfortable around each other to behave like we're dating (not bathing, farting, playing video games, fighting blah blah blah).
2. We know the rules. Keep it light, sexy and fun.... 'nuff said
3. We're not pretentious.
4. My Dips are so romantic, it's irresistible. One of them speaks french, and cooks (need I say more?), another one is super intimate... bathes me and plays soft music and holds me until the morning, another one spends sexy sundays (and weeknights) with me + sends wonderful sexy #tigertexts... I mean... who can say no to these things?

All of them are intelligent. If I was to show up in public with any of these people, all would be well in the world. I expect nothing from my Dips, and in expecting nothing, I get everything I want. Unlike Boyfriends... who are the complete opposite. I definitely have no encouraging Love Models in plain sight, Boyfriends are notorious for being too HOMOtional for me, and the best part is... at the end of the day, I come home and relax and chill out. Everything is all good with my Dips, and my Dips are all good with me. My Dips Rule!!!!